Helping Your Parents Through This Process

For parents, sending a child off to college is a big deal. That can be especially true if you're a first or an only child. Your parent(s) may feel lots of different things, and sometimes conflicting things at the same time. High hopes for you. Pride and a fierce determination that you go to a "good enough" school. Anxiety about your happiness and safety. Nervousness about what they see as a very big step for you. Grief that you are unmistakably growing up. Uncertainty about how to pay the tuition. Inadequacy, if they feel they can't help you with the admissions process. Frustration, because they can't control the outcome for you. An intense desire to help you - coupled with a desire not to interfere too much (as you can imagine, this can be a particularly hard pair of feelings to juggle). If you're applying to schools of the caliber of MIT, they may be worried that you won't get in - and equally worried that you will.

Some parents cope with their feelings by paying a lot of attention to the college search process, others by being totally hands-off. Most come down somewhere in between. No matter how your parents respond, your relationship can be bumpy from time to time. Here are a few ideas that can help:

• Take charge of the process
  When you apply to college, you take a critical step toward adulthood. For your long-term self-confidence and satisfaction, it's tremendously important that you "own" the process. (And after all, you're the one actually going to college.) Taking ownership doesn't mean you have to have all the answers; it does mean that your parents should not be the ones making the decisions or doing the work. Be clear about this in your own mind, and make it clear to your parents.

• Speak up
  If you would like more help and support from your parents, or less, or a different kind, dare to talk with them about it. Try letting them know that you understand how they're feeling, and then asking them to make a change. Your parents can be incredibly helpful in sorting through your college choices. Most likely, no one knows you better or cares more about how the world treats you. But it really helps to face the process as a unified team, with shared expectations.

• Split up the tasks
  If you and your parents are having a hard time striking the right balance between hands-on and hands-off, one practical tactic is to choose a few specific items on your long list of pre-college tasks and assign them to your parents. Of course, the big, substantive jobs should all go to you - things like deciding on your final list of schools, writing your essays, making calls to the admissions office, scheduling your interview. But there are plenty of other roles for your parents, if they're interested. Some likely tasks include planning college tours, keeping track of application deadlines, investigating financial aid options and comparing particular academic programs at various schools. If you split the jobs between you, your parents know what you want them to do (and what you don't). They can also feel confident that you have agreed to take on the rest.

• Seek other people's perspectives
  If you want more help and advice than your parents or guidance counselor can offer, for whatever reason, try turning to other adults around you who have been to college, including family friends, relatives or other teachers at your school. As you explore colleges you might be interested in, you may also find it helpful to talk to graduates who live in your area or share your interests. If you chose to apply to MIT, you will most likely interview with one of our "Educational Counselors," or ECs, an MIT alumni volunteer who can offer a personal perspective on life at MIT.