running out of time by Ankita D. '23

on Tuesday, I turned 22. it wasn’t nearly as blissful as turning 21 because, well, there’s no milestone associated with this age (besides being able to play the Taylor Swift song). also, this was my last birthday where all my closest friends were at an arms length. going out to dinner with a group of 15 friends took just a handful of coordinating texts, and spontaneously gathering people to celebrate took walking 20 feet from my room. it’s weird to think that next year, my friends will be scattered around the world, and getting everyone in one place will involve significantly more effort.

as the weeks of this semester have passed, I feel like I’ve been grappling more and more with the notion of leaving. so much is up in the air about my post-grad situation that it’s not something I’m looking forward to, especially when only two others in my close friend group are moving to New York City with me. there’s also the fact that I’ll be in Africa this summer; I’m interning in Cape Town through MISTI, which is both exciting and terrifying since I’ll be so far from everyone I know. for most graduating seniors, the summer is our last chance to vibe before we start our full-time jobs, but I wanted to take advantage of MISTI one last time.

recently, there’s been an ominous cast on everything in my surroundings that’s associated with moving out of Boston (potentially) forever. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard people say “well, you’re leaving soon, anyways…,” nor can I quantify the anxiety it evokes. I did a “senior sale” to get rid of my belongings, which felt odd since I’ve collected so much in these past four years that I don’t want to part with. with no concept of summer storage anymore, I’ve been trying to time my use of things so that I don’t have anything left at the end of the year. it sucks.

it also makes me feel like everything I do in these remaining weeks holds significance. I get stressed out if I’m not taking every opportunity to see my friends, or if I don’t have weekend plans, or if I have to miss an event I really wanted to go to. the fear of mis-optimizing is back in full force, but this time, it’s a race against the clock counting down to commencement.

when I think about heart-wrenching it was to leave campus in March 2020, a mere seven months into my freshman year, it’s hard to conceptualize what saying goodbye will be like now, as a senior. my relationships have shifted a lot since then, but the bonds with my communities on campus have only gotten stronger. thinking about the inevitable frenzy of packing and saying goodbye that will happen after commencement almost makes me want to postpone getting my diploma. I worked hard to make it through this school, which is why I’m able to enjoy a (relatively) relaxing senior spring, but that just means I have more time to consider how important my relationships are to me, and how much I’ll miss them.

the realization that we have two weeks left in the semester was absolutely chilling. normally, that fact strikes horror because it means I have to finish entire final projects, or cram for finals in classes I haven’t attended in weeks, but now it just signals the end. what do you mean I won’t be a college student in a month, give or take? what do you mean I have to say goodbye to my best friends, one of whom will be in Italy/Denmark/Taiwan for the next year?

four years feels like nothing at all, but so much has happened. I’ve changed so much and learned so much. despite this, I don’t feel ready at all to enter the real world. I’m sure every single senior feels this way, but given how much time I spent drifting through school during the pandemic, I feel especially unprepared. part of me is satisfied with my college experience, and part of me has a lot of regret about the time I spent and the choices I made. I know I did the best I could in my circumstances, but damn.

knowing I have so little time left, I’m wondering how I should spend it. which friends I should reach out to before I don’t see them again for months or even years, how I should prioritize things, etc, etc. I’m not really a bucket list person, but I feel like I need one for some sense of finality.

shit’s scary…everything feels foreboding. I’m going to do my best to not have any regrets in this final stretch, but I know that’s going to be a near impossible feat. I just really, really wish I had more time.