3 Simple Steps for Making New Friends by Victor D. '27

“You can do whatever you want—well, maybe not anything you want. But you can come and go. You can do anything and you don’t have to do anything.” – Maria Kalman

My heart was nearly jumping out of my chest when I entered the MIT admissions office for the first time during Sin Limite.⁠01 Admitted students weekend primarily geared towards students of Latine/Hispanic descent Nervous was an understatement: I felt like I was shutting down. After checking in and dropping my bags in a sea of other bags, I was ushered into a room with the other Sin Limite attendees. I had arrived a bit late, and it seemed like everyone in the room already knew somebody.⁠02 This might not be so far from reality: as I’ve learned, many—dare I say most—MIT admits already knew someone at the Institute, whether that was a sibling, a friend from their high school, or even an acquaintance from Science Bowl. I knew nobody: I was the only admit from my high school. I grabbed some snacks from the plastic, gray foldable table at the center of the room, and quietly slid to the edge of the room. Paradoxically, I was desperate to be and not to be noticed: maybe somebody would come make it look like I belonged here by talking to me, while I also wished to be as invisible as possible, fearing I looked strange for hovering over the room…

I’m currently reading “On Looking,” a book where author Alexandra Horowitz goes on urban walks with people of various professions, identities, and conditions,⁠03 With an infant, geologist, typographer, illustrator, insect tracker, raccoon researcher, PPS (Project for Public Spaces) president, two doctors, a blind woman, a sound engineer, and a dog. to highlight how our expertise and life experience impacts our perspective. Her walk with illustrator Maria Kalman was particularly salient to me. Horowitz writes how she was struck by how effortlessly Kalman floated between spaces and people, whether that was a church or a senior center. Horowitz describes Kalman’s approach to navigating the city as: “Take a left where you ordinarily would take a right, open the gate to the block garden you’ve never visited, view the passerby as a person who is waiting for you to speak to him.” I think it’s also a great set of steps for how to socialize and discover new people.

“Take a left where you ordinarily would take a right.”

I used to like to take every elevator and every stairwell in Burton Conner.⁠04 One of MIT's undergraduate dorms Why? Well, otherwise, I wouldn’t run into so many people!

We are creatures of habit. We seek repetition, symmetry, and order; our brains even change physically by developing neural pathways that reward repetitive behavior.⁠05 Admittedly, I'm not a neuroscientist, but here's a source: https://mcgovern.mit.edu/2022/09/07/making-and-breaking-habits/ In a space like a dormitory, wherein there’s some 6+ ways to get to my room, all of which are efficient, why not vary? Soon, you realize you’re seeing—and interacting with—entirely different spaces and people; you walk up the stairs to take the elevator closest to the Porter Room⁠06 One of Burton Conner's event spaces when you hear music; apparently, it’s the “Balkan Dance”; and you’re waltzing in. For some reason, your roommate is there… you remember they have a very peculiar fascination for Slovenia, and now you’re meeting tons of new people by helping your roommate talk to various people in the crowd to identify a Slovenian person.

Sometimes, I would take the Conner-side⁠07 BC is split into two sides that are still part of the same building: Burton, and Conner. elevator(s) instead of the Burton one… “Wait, no way, I haven’t seen you in forever! How’s it going?” By the time you reach the 4th floor (which is technically the 5th),⁠08 BC was the first building in the United States I visited with 0-indexing for floors. you’ve just reconnected with an old acquaintance and he’s going to share some delicious stir fry he made with you. You’ve never seen him take the Burton-side elevator.

The amount of interactions I’ve had outside BC that begin like, “I feel like I know you from somewhere…” and you both realize you’ve already been pressing “3rd” for them for the past few months because, somehow, you’re already familiar. And this gentle familiarity, despite maybe never having exchanged a word, is ripe for a future connection. By deviating from your usual paths, you’ll be able to circumstantially “meet” those with different dispositions from yours, even if it’s as simple as “I prefer the Outfinite”⁠09 The complement to the “Infinite Corridor”, the Outfinite is the Infinite (which is the long stretch of corridors starting in Lobby 7 connecting through all of main campus), except it’s outside. or “I prefer this elevator because it’s more square than the others.”

“Open the gate to the block garden you’ve never visited.”

One day while studying together in our room during freshman spring, my roommates and I were spooked by a conspicuous knock at the door. I got up to answer; it was a sophomore, living on our floor (B4).⁠10 Beyond being split into Burton and Conner, BC is also split into 9 separate floor living communities: 5 on the Burton side, and 4 on the Conner side. She poked her head into the room,

“Hiii. Can I come in?” She asked, “Can I see your room?”

I’m a bit puzzled; after all, I barely know anything about her beyond her name, her year, and her floor. But what reason do I have to say no? So, I let her in, asking her to take off her shoes at the front.

It’s a bit awkward at first as she slowly gazes around the room, and I’m not really sure what to say (“what’s up?” doesn’t really seem to be going anywhere). After a moment, she excuses herself from the room.

A few days later, I hear a knock again—the same knock as before. This time, she opens the door slightly ajar before asking to come in. We start talking a bit more, getting to know each other: where we’re from, course,⁠11 “Course of study”; major interests…

Some more visits later, and it’s no longer unusual for her to appear in our room. No longer is it awkward and I’m always dying laughing talking to her. Is this a new friend?

So I went to her suite for the first time by myself. I knock and her roommate answers; turns out she wasn’t home. Suddenly though, I’m now talking to her roommate and the next time she comes to our room, her roommate comes with her. Now 2 new friends!

And I realize that all of the rooms with unknown people could all be prompted: to ask to enter. And so throughout my time on B4 and in Burton Conner, I got used to entering a new suite, knocking on a new door, and asking if I could visit. Repeat over and over and before you know it, they might ask “what’s your room number?” Before long, you’re recognizing their approach: their knocks and footsteps. A new friend!!

“View the passerby as a person who is waiting for you to speak to him.”

My friend Alex is the definition of extroverted: in the elevator, he asks his typical “What’s your full name?” to every person he does not know in that elevator. At the sandwich shop Sam LaGrassa,⁠12 The sandwiches are actually fire, so fire in fact that it burned a hole in my wallet. a stranger bumping into his guitar was enough for Alex to ask his name and “what kind of music do you like” before beginning an extensive conversation about MIT mariachi and the stranger’s music taste. And whenever he hears music being played, he can’t help but approach to see who it is, and ask, “Can I jam with you?”

Coming out of Next Dining⁠13 Another MIT undergraduate dorm! one day, we heard sounds emerging from the Next Music Room. I sometimes overthink walking in on people playing music; what if we interrupt them? But he’s already inside before I can even raise this concern and I enter behind him. All 4 strangers in the room are prompted with his usual round of questions I shared above. His first question (albeit coming off somewhat unusual to some people) actually reveals more information than at first glance: 2 of the strangers we identify as Latino, and after Alex shares that I’m Mexican-American, one of the strangers reveals he himself is Mexican. Considering that my friend had visited me in Mexico City when I was there for the summer for MISTI,⁠14 MISTI (MIT International Science and Technology Initiatives) refers to several programs that offer students the opportunity to do internships, classes, and teach abroad. this was enough for all of us to “break the ice” and flow into conversation. Before I realize what’s happening, we’re running to BC to grab our instruments to play with this group of strangers we just met. When one of them waves to me in the Infinite some days after, it’s clear they’re no longer strangers, but acquaintances. With a few more chance encounters and maybe some PSET grind sessions with them in Hayden, they too will become friends.

I don’t think I’ll ever be as fearless as Alex but I’ve found myself approaching more strangers than before: walking up to people standing alone at parties just to chat or poking my head into the music room just to complement their playing and say “hi!” These small gestures promote familiarity and sometimes evolve into relationships.

Circling Back to Sin Limite…

“Victor!” I looked up, probably mid-crunch on a crisp, Cool Ranch Dorito, to see someone waving at me. Turns out, he recognized me from a selfie I sent to the ‘27 MIT Discord Server. They kindly invited me to sit with their little group; turns out these people weren’t so scary after all. I had psyched myself out over nothing (well, to the degree that irrational social anxiety is nothing). I imagine if today’s me was in that pre-prefrosh’s shoes, I would’ve approached before being approached. Nothing wrong with being approached, but taking social leaps—which includes putting ourselves in unfamiliar places and situations—lets me be sure I’m not missing out on discovering what awesome shenanigans all the amazing people around me are up to. After all, I wonder how much would we have missed had he not taken the first step to reach out to me?