am i boring by Aiden H. '28

“There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy and the tired.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

***

I have come to the profound realization recently that I think I’m boring. I’m not entirely sure where I sit with that.

More importantly, I’ve recognized that the pressure cooker of MIT doesn’t make me feel the academic imposter syndrome everyone prepared me for, but a social one. Why does the “endless” amount of resources and opportunities I’ve been given, and am very grateful for, by this school⁠01 While I do think MIT has its unique pressures, I don't think this is entirely unique. I more so mean the entire air/media propaganda that surrounds the supposed infinite and spontaneous paths that our lives can take in college as an extension of being young, fairly detached from strict routine, and living with thousands of others. create an inescapable mindset that if I don’t take all of them, I am not fully carpe diem-ing or whatever. Is how interesting I am proportional to my ability to be interesting, to do interesting things at this interesting place? Or to how much I do compared to those around me?

I feel that these questions rooted in our societal issues with the cult of youth blah blah social media whatever whatever late-stage capitalism etc etc mental health aaaaa aaaaaa trap me in a zero-sum game, as if my disinclination for doing much of anything isn’t nearly as bothering to me as it is to the adults who want to live vicariously through me, as if I’m being pursued by these great expectations that precede me, hunting me down into a corner of self-pity and loathing until I realize that it’s all stupid and past me, that I’m just told these things and they echo back in my thoughts as an exposure effect, not an actual feeling.

A lot of these “dilemmas” seem obvious to me, and are just matters of personal taste. Why would I study in the harsh lighting and uncomfortable seats of the Stud when I could easily study in my room, the space I specifically cultivated to be comfortable for me? (This means I spend most of my time in my room.) Why would I consistently spend money to study at a coffee shop when I feel less guilty if I just eat at the dining hall for free? (This means I don’t go to Boston much and I get sick of the food I’m eating.)

I convince myself I want things that I don’t because of these pressures. I fall into the trap of it anyway.

***

The most common piece of advice I’ve gotten since arriving at MIT is to try as much as I can. I think that’s bullshit–it’s overwhelming and makes me appreciate everything less.

I deleted over 150 emails from DormSpam today. They were all from the past two days. I don’t read any of the actual email, only the headers, and even then I only skim about half the headers as I scroll through. I’m probably not going to do anything in any of them. It’s too much.

I feel bad that I do none of this, spending most of my time studying and then decompressing through reading/TV/brainrot/croissants, just to start working again. But isn’t that what I’m here to do? Why do I feel so guilty for just trying to fulfill the most basic terms of my commitment to this school? This isn’t to say I’m the 10000%-always-on-the-grind-my-life’s-so-hard-all-I-do-is-work caricature that people impose onto MIT students. I’m kinda the opposite.

For as much as we spit out the phrase “work-life balance”, I feel like I actually have one.⁠02 As much as one can, considering my life is also on campus and in the midst of everything It feels like the most appealing option for others is just to join the cacophony uttering the phrase and then proceed to not have one, and then I have to convince myself that I shouldn’t feel guilty for not doing the same.

This is the other side of it–if you’re not busy having as much “fun” as possible, you’re busy doing as much “work” as possible. Why can’t I just be neither? Why can’t I do an average amount of work, see an average amount of people/things, and then go to bed at the very normal 11:00 PM to wake up at the very normal 8:00 AM? I’m not a night owl I’m not a morning person I’m not a workaholic I’m not a socialite I’m not an extrovert I’m not an introvert. Why is everything so black and white?

Boring is just the average state of human existence–and that’s fine. I don’t feel the same insatiable need to run around and attempt to fill every hour of every day with a new pursuit that is worthy enough of becoming a story I tell other people.

But a part of me will always wonder if I’m going about this wrong, no matter which manner I act in.

***

My favorite book is The Great Gatsby. It turns 100 next week. I think it’s interesting how much we deify Gatsby considering the whole book revolves around how astoundingly weak and hurt he is. After 100 years, the 200 pages, 4 movies, and endless analysis, the thing we take away from The Great Gatsby is how fun it looks being rich and partying all the time.

No, I don’t want to go to your “Roaring 20s” themed party or be a billionaire CEO or be some sort of infamous celebrity mogul. Gatsby dies, and he dies sad.