craze by Kanokwan T. '25

every blog I’ve ever blogged

has come directly out of frenzy

it’s not a slow, methodological process

 

against my will,

inspiration strikes

and fast

 

and it feels like the blog manifests itself through me

as if it, itself, wants to get out into the world

and I am simply only a vessel

 

and the worst part is,

it happens all the time

I randomly get the urge to make something

it feels like I black out—

there is nothing else in the world I can do

I am barely conscious

and time does not pass

—then I wake up with the thing already made

 

I have more than 100 blog ideas

saved in a nifty spreadsheet

and only when the inspiration threshold hits

and my sweet little creativity gremlin takes over

do any of those ideas make it out

 

all creative pursuits feel like this to me

 

it’s kinda funny

being at the whims of ideas

 

in another life,

I could have been a painter

(I love to use paint as a base for mixed media things)

or a new media artist

(I constantly have ideas for immersive art installations)

or an actress

(I used to take acting classes through a talent agency and technically acted in Speech & Debate in high school and I just adore acting as a craft)

or a poet

(I used to perform at poetry slams)

or a food critic

(I sometimes describe my cuisine experience to whoever is out for a meal with me in deep detail, and have been told I’d make a good Anton Ego)

or maybe those are just further down the line

it can be a long life

 

I don’t know

I’m just inclined to do creative things

and I know having creative power is something I value

in whatever things

I decide to do

 

I’ve been creating a lot, recently

away from the noise of work

the bustle of the school

breaks help

 

I’ve been watercoloring—

abstract collages

portraits of people

landscapes

—whatever comes to mind

 

I’ve been journalling, as I have been for years

I’ve written letters: some I’ve delivered, some I’ll never send

I’ve practiced my cursive—the letter z is so weird

 

I’m blogging right now

I didn’t plan to blog tonight

not at all

it’s late

1:07am, where I’m at (Armenia! to teach renewable energy and circuitry and stuff)

a terribly inconvenient hour

for a morning bird like me

but it is what it is

 

hmmmm

 

there’s so much I want to tell you

so much

about my 3 years at the institute

what it felt like leading up to my time here

what I see beyond

and all the small—perhaps more important—moments in between

 

this is so weird

have I ever said that? I don’t think I have

blogging feels like…

yelling into the void

drafting in a spiral notebook

speaking before a stage of thousands

whispering to myself

chatting with a friend

…all at once

most like the last experience, if anything

 

because

talking with myself, all alone

talking with a stranger

talking with anyone—just as a baseline

i treat as talking with

a friend

 

yeah

friend

 

anyways

I should rest

instead of binging Portrait of a Lady on Fire and Wicked and V for Vendetta analysis clips

 

bye now,

Kano