I didn’t know a lot coming into MIT by Jessica Z. '27

One of the most embarrassing memories I have happened during a summer program in high school. We had an introductory class teaching us how to use LaTeX, a typesetting system that can be used to write scientific documents. I, however, did not know what the class was actually about and showed up with a notebook, pencil, and no laptop.

I veryyyyy quickly realized my mistake when everyone pulled out their laptop and started typing, but I was too embarrassed to say anything, so I just sat at my desk and pretended to look busy.⁠01 which, as you can imagine, was not very convincing considering I didn't have my laptop lol About ten minutes into the class, the TA walked over to me and jokingly said that since I clearly already knew how to use LaTeX, I could help some of the people around me.

So, instead of spending a few minutes embarrassed to admit to my TA that I didn’t know what LaTeX was so I didn’t bring my laptop, I spent an entire class period embarrassed that the TA probably thought I thought I was too smart to participate. While I wince a lot thinking about this encounter from over four years ago, it’s a pretty good representation of how I’ve historically dealt with embarrassment. I hate looking like I don’t know what I’m doing, even if it’s true, and I hate asking a question that I think I should know the answer to. I also hate the possibility that someone might think I’m incompetent, even if nothing they’ve done suggests that they believe that.

In general, I think embarrassment clouds a lot of my experiences. In high school, I honestly used to get most of my work done by scheduling check-ins with people because I knew I would be too embarrassed to show up empty-handed. It was definitely not sustainable, but for a while, it worked.

All that to say, I cannot think of a period of my life when I was more consistently embarrassed than my first two years of college. In the spirit of being vulnerable, here’s a few things I did my freshman year:

• Emailed my first-year advisor to ask why I was double-booked for a class because I didn’t know that recitation was different from lectures
• Dropped 6.100A⁠02 Introduction to Computer Science Programming because I got a 3% on my first microquiz
• Cried in front of my 5.111⁠03 Principles of Chemical Science TA after recitation because I failed my first exam, while the next recitation section filed into the classroom
• Cried HAPPY tears over getting a C on my 5.12⁠04 Organic Chemistry I final because that meant I didn’t have to retake it⁠05 thank you PNR

I also didn’t magically figure everything out my sophomore year:

• Started and finished more PSETs that I’d like to admit the day they were due
• Pulled a few too many all-nighters for Ring Committee⁠06 sometimes with other committee members lol
• Talked to my advisor about taking a semester off and teared up about three times during our meeting

Andddd even into my junior year, I felt like I was still finding ways to embarrass myself:

• Butchered my first industry interview because I misread their job description. I thought their work focused on lead (as in, the material) not lead discovery (aka figuring out what drugs are leading contenders for further studies)
• During a final-round interview, a company VP asked how I had heard about them and why I was interested in the company, which was probably my cue to say something thoughtful about their work. Instead, I blanked and told him I had seen their logo on a lot of backpacks while I was living in D.C.⁠07 A+ for honesty?

I spent a lot of my first two years at MIT nervous. I was constantly worried about what or how other people seemed to be doing. I also spent a lot of time believing I was making wayyy more “mistakes” than everyone else around me. At some point, I kind of forgot the whole reason I was here was to learn. And learning can feel, unfortunately, kind of embarrassing at times.

If someone had told freshman-year me, “You’re here to learn! Don’t worry!” I probably would have felt an urge to scream at them. Obviously I was taking classes to learn. Now, though, on the brink of my senior year, I realize I didn’t quite understand how much learning required me to become comfortable with other people watching me not know things.

Before college, I never would have reached out to friends for academic help as readily or as casually⁠08 many days in Stud5 with boba and PSETs as I do now. I wouldn’t have swallowed my pride enough to repeatedly ask for help when I was three lectures behind or not even sure where to start on a PSET. I wouldn’t have been forced to decide what I actually wanted to devote my time to after realizing I couldn’t take every class or join every club I wanted to. There was absolutely no universe in which high-school me could have dropped a class and felt okay afterwards. I’m also infinitely more comfortable now telling my friends when I’m struggling or frustrated or sad. I’ve gotten better at not ruminating over every tiny “mistake” because I realized there’s no point in being embarrassed about trying to learn something new.

Sometimes I think about how my parents had to grow up so quickly, particularly immigrating to a new country and worrying about finances much more than I have ever had to. I’ve been given this four year period where I can, and I’m expected to, mess up in varying amounts of severity. My parents didn’t have four years carved out for learning more about themselves and the world around them, and they certainly didn’t have time to be embarrassed every time they didn’t know how to do something. I feel so lucky to be in a place where I’m meant to learn, even when every mistake or decision can feel impossibly heavy. 

The exams I failed felt catastrophic but don’t take up any of my mental space today. The awkward interviews and dropped classes are now stories and inside jokes with my friends. The reality is that everyone struggles with learning something here at MIT, even if it doesn’t feel that way. There will always be another thing I don’t know how to do, and I think I’ve finally become a little more okay with that.

To the frosh: you never really stop learning about yourself here, which means you might find yourself embarrassed more than once, and that’s okay! Ask the stupid question, go to office hours for what feels like the tenth time to ask the same question, drop the class if you need to, and tell your friends when you’re struggling. Most importantly, bring your laptop to any LaTeX workshops. And if you don’t, remember that it’s not the end of the world.

You don’t have to, and certainly don’t, know everything coming into MIT, and I really think that’s how you grow the most <3