
in a funk by Kanokwan T. '25
and salvaging hope
content warning: mental health, trauma
1
I’ve been in a funk. A deep funk.
It took me awhile to notice. A few long months.
feels like it snuck up on me
like — ha! — got you
distinct from an acute negative event happening then feeling bad afterwards
this is different
this has been a build up
a wave
I haven’t felt like myself
normally, I’m pretty jolly and steady
but, there have been persistent thought patterns I’ve experienced
that don’t reflect who I am, nor who I want to be
I’ve made decisions and said things that don’t feel true to my values
everything feels off
trauma has its ways of wading in and out of life
it never goes away
it will always be a part of who you are
it just takes on different forms
some quieter and calm
some awfully loud
and all consuming
currently, the latter has taken hold
2
Last semester, I went through some really, really tough times.
difficult things were going on in my family
also had a biking accident that resulted in a fractured skull, concussion, and black eye01 ive since healed, thank goodness
having to miss weeks of classes to recover from both
and everything else in between
(i don’t feel like detailing any of this right now, maybe down the line. i just need to point out the fact that i’m redacting details because i feel like the above description undersells how deeply painful and truly horrible the semester was lol)
That was definitely my worst semester in-person at MIT thus far.
the weight of the world felt so heavy
i was barely keeping it together
golly
I’m proud I made it through relatively okay
and *deeply* grateful for the people that supported me through
my beloved friends
student support services
the fli community
and more
you know who you are
3
anyways
fast-forward to now: I’m still processing the traumas of my fall
I’ve been working really hard to take care of myself.
I had a paradigm shift a few weeks ago
shortly after realizing the status of my mental state:
I was super surprised to find that I was feeling… hopeless?
(like, I held the belief that things would not get better)
especially given I’ve endured similarly tough times earlier in life
whilst holding my head high and keeping my heart full
so why was this time so different?
the pain of my recent life experiences scratched at me
quietly clawed away at the hope I’ve so deeply held
until one day
I sat with myself, looked inside, and realized
I had none left
I had taken hope for granted
which feels so fucking cheesy to even talk about
but it’s true
felt like shit
felt like I let myself down
felt guilty
like, how dare I let myself reach this point?
but hey
it happens
this is only natural
and i am human
so, after a loooooooooot of emotional work (that could be its own blog),02 sorry if it is unsatisfying that i have not yet included this part of the journey. i originally wanted to, but it is a lot to both process myself and also to spin into words for a blog. maybe later, if it feels right.
I’ve somehow regained hope.
specifically,
the belief that things can get better
and that I have the power to be a part of that change
sounds simple, doesn’t it?
like an empty platitude
almost too obvious
but it isn’t always so
especially in dark, dark times
so… that’s huge? and profound? and wonderful?
I’m glad I’ve gotten here
really proud of it, actually
with this thread of hope,
the next phase of healing begins:
a dance of soft and firm
allowing softness. giving myself grace. letting myself cry, laugh, and be still. eliciting emotions. writing letters i don’t plan to send. forgiving myself for having days that don’t feel right. healing doesn’t always look like action; sometimes, it’s just letting yourself feel.
implementing firmness. pushing myself to spend time with friends instead of sinking into solitude. building up a healthy habit or two. setting boundaries where I need them. carving out time just to take care of myself. even on the days when it’s simply tough to keep up, being kind to myself—especially then—is a part of healing, too.
4
I have a quote and a poem to share.
quote
“In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.”
poem
fun fact: I know 2 poems by heart, and this is one of them.
“Hope” is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the Gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet never in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
— Emily Dickinson
the arc of the human condition is long, but it bends towards hope 03 <a href="https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/blog/2011/10/21/arc-moral-universe-long-it-bends-toward-justice">MLK-inspired:</a> “The Arc of the Moral Universe is Long, But it Bends Toward Justice.”
5
I normally blog after I’ve processed something, but perhaps there is value in seeing my undertaking in the raw. This is what the work looks like: messy and tiresome. But, it’s real. It’s happening. And I’m excited to see who I’ll be on the other side.
- ive since healed, thank goodness back to text ↑
- sorry if it is unsatisfying that i have not yet included this part of the journey. i originally wanted to, but it is a lot to both process myself and also to spin into words for a blog. maybe later, if it feels right. back to text ↑
- MLK-inspired: “The Arc of the Moral Universe is Long, But it Bends Toward Justice.” back to text ↑