we’re halfway through the semester.
november always feels like the point where the new-semester excitement wears off. there’s something about novembers that make you remember, something in the sudden, bitter cold.
i walked to campus today and let the mid-fall breeze bite at my face. i could see my breath misting in front of me. when i looked up at the sky, it was bright but unforgiving.
i’ve been wearing a lot of red, sort of against my will. i keep insisting that i’m in my cool color era, my green and white and blue era, but i’m shuttled back to red every time. i tried to dye a blue streak in my hair but it came out grayish-green, so i dyed over it with red and of course, that’s refused to wash out for the past month. i crocheted a red scarf for myself earlier this year, and my fall coat is red, and all my coziest sweaters and flannels are red, and i painted my nails red before i went out for halloween, and i keep meaning to get more green-blue clothes but i somehow never find the time to go thrifting.
i don’t really know what that means.
maybe it just means you look good in red.
yeah, maybe. some change would be nice, though. i don’t know. my pinterest boards look very different from how i dress these days.
something about always trying to reinvent myself but not being committed enough to change myself.
it sucks when you put it like that.
sorry. i think i’m a lot happier than last november, or two or three novembers ago, though.
things are fine. things are fine most of the time. i think i’m just really bad at managing unexpected stress. something goes wrong and i go haywire.
well, i think you’re doing great. i mean, you really like your classes this semester, don’t you?
yeah, they’re fun. you know when all the topics in your classes line up, and it’s like wait, i’ve heard about that somewhere else, and you feel like that guy in front of the bulletin board?
the guy from always sunny?
yeah, that guy.
but yeah, like — in Applied Molecular Biology Laboratory we’re studying yeast, right? and sometimes yeast stuff gets brought up in Cell Biology , and sometimes transport stuff from 7.06 gets brought up in Human Physiology , because y’know, the human body is all about transport. sending things here and there and metabolizing things.
it’s those moments of synchronicity that make me feel like i know what i’m doing. i’m far enough into my courses to be taking all bio classes for this to happen. but at the same time i’m just frustrated that it took me this long to figure it out. y’know? i’m in my senior fall and i kind of sort of have it together but i don’t have enough time to do anything about it, because i’m graduating next semester.
like, if i knew what i know now, i would’ve made different choices.
what do you mean?
i would never want to relive high school again, but i wish i’d just…i don’t know, taken more ases, or taken a class earlier, or not taken a class at all. or whatever. or checked my audit more often in sophomore year. and reached out to my advisors more. and participated in all the cool programs available here. like misti. i’ve never applied to misti. i don’t know.
dude, no one knows what they’re doing when they first get here. unless you’ve done like, thousands of hours of research on everything mit-related, but i feel like that usually turns out to be naive froshy energy. and people change their minds all the time.
hey, remember at the beginning of this semester when i kept getting mistaken for a frosh because i had a certain joie de vivre when interacting with people?
yeah, that was pretty funny lmao
didn’t last long though. i think that was mostly just because i was happy to see my friends again after the summer.
and when i see frosh interact, part of me is a little jealous, because how do they have so much energy?????? i feel so old and creaky. being a tired jaded senior comes for us all.
i don’t think you’re jaded, necessarily. i think you’ve just found a social balance that works for you and you mind your own business more. nothing wrong with that. protecting your peace, if you will. froshy energy is something precious but it doesn’t have to last forever.
also, you’re not old. you’re twenty one. you’re like, a three-year-old adult.
true. but don’t you ever think about the connections we could’ve made with people if we’d tried a little harder?
i meeaaaaan. sometimes you just stop clicking with certain people and that’s fine. it’s fine to outgrow people. isn’t that something you learned a long time ago? like, isn’t that what you spent a huge chunk of time working past in therapy? and it’s not like you don’t put a lot of effort into your current friendships and connections. i can tell they really mean a lot to you.
more like in the past two years, but yeah. you’re right, sorry. it’s not really that big of a deal, honestly, i think i’m just moody and reflective because i know that daylight savings is coming soon.
extra hour of sleep!
yeah, but at what cost? 4 pm sunsets are seriously so depressing…
yeah true lol
that’s why taking vitamin D is important
i know i have it somewhere, i just have to look for it.
yeah, i’m fine. there’s just so much to do alllll the time.
but you know what? i think i’ll be alright.
you can do it! and i mean that genuinely. i hope you know that. you’re capable of waaaaay more than you think you are. i mean, every time you have a breakdown over something stressful, you still manage to pick yourself up and learn from what happened. you said earlier that you’re not committed enough to changing yourself. i don’t think that’s true. you’re really earnest about wanting to be better, whatever “better” means. you’re doing a really good job. these things take time.
and thanks for talking with me, by the way.
of course. i’m you. i’m always here.
[…] It’s November again
& most of us are still alive. This makes me so glad except
for the fact that it has to be said. I look outside & a black flock
of birds erupts into something that’s never been described before.
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