tick tick tick by Kanokwan T. '25

content warning: mental health, academic stress, burnout

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The institute is always churning. 

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There’s a constant sound in the back of my head, a whirring that keeps my mind thinking about what I need to do next, instead of what I’m doing right now.

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This is a place that never sleeps.⁠01 like Las Vegas! (my hometown) Even in the quietest moments of the night, you can find someone mulling away over work. Any time of day I walk through campus—like the rare and dreadful 4am stroll from a campus library back to my dorm—I will bump into at least several people. At least I know that I’m not alone.

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I’m fucking exhausted.

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Have I done anything worthwhile here? It feels like I haven’t used my time wisely at all. It feels like I’ve done nothing for this school. I’ve squandered my opportunities. I’ve messed up real, reaaaaaaaal bad.

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Nothing feels right—everything feels wrong.

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MIT is offering me so much opportunity. How dare I feel like this is all too much? I should be more grateful.

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It’s such a privilege to be here. I’m really fortunate to be able to do everything I want to do.

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Would someone please acknowledge all of the hard work I’ve put in? God. In high school, it felt like I got some form of a gold star every week. An award of sorts, a good test grade, positive affirmation directly from my teacher, whatever. It was much easier to do exceptional things and be recognized for it. Now, I get nothing. 

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Everyone here is brilliant. How the fuck did I get in?

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I’m just going to shut up, put my nose to the grindstone, and stick it out until the next long break. I can make it if I just focus and let nothing get in my way.

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I feel like despite operating at my max capacity, I’m just barely scraping by. I’m doing the bare minimum. I’m average at best. Why can’t I excel anymore? I’m just barely keeping it together. 

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Why am I taking this class again? Why am I in this club? Why am I doing… any of this???

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I can’t get peace here. I feel insane.

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The firehose is real. There is simply so, so much going on. Heavy coursework. Abundant extracurriculars. Boston festivities. And everything else in-between.

MIT classes take so much god damn work.⁠02 </span>And, honestly, a fair chunk of it feels like fabricated rigor. Some classwork is truly well-thought-out, and I deeply appreciate the work of those teaching staff teams. However, in some cases, students are left without the necessary resources and have to scrounge for them on their own. Lectures can be too sparse, office hours unhelpful, and exams far beyond the scope of what we were taught. While I see the value in challenging students to figure things out, at times it feels like an opportunity to teach more effectively is being missed. I know I signed up for an intellectual challenge—and I still want one. But I want to focus on learning how to solve problems, not on struggling to figure out what the class expects me to know. MIT is not the academic utopia I imagined it to be. Students can join basically any club they want, which is dangerous, because they want it all.⁠03 and I am guilty of this And, people here aren’t scared of having fun, so we embody “work hard play hard” culture, but, my god, do I wish it didn’t have to be so hard??????? Can’t we simply just work and play? Without the hard part? Please?

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I will not let this institute break me.

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I love the challenge. In high school, I often had to push myself because I wasn’t challenged enough. Now, at a school that truly pushes me, I feel like I’m finally able to reach my potential.

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I feel like I can’t stop. I’m not allowed to. If I do, I wouldn’t be making the most of my time here. And that would be regretful.

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I feel like I don’t understand anything on a deep level in any of my classes. I could, but I simply can’t make the time to. Once an assignment is turned in, I can’t reflect; I have to pour hours into the next one—immediately. This is frustrating because I want to develop mastery of the content, and that is something that MIT prides itself in. But, I have to move on. I have to keep my head held high.

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I’m a failure. I’m doing so much. And, in doing far too much, I have done nothing.

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Sometimes, in trying to do all of the things, I’ve lost sight of why I’m doing anything. I’ve had to take moments to step back and ask myself: What am I doing? Why am I doing it? Is this something I truly want to continue?

But, I don’t have time to think about these things right now. If I do, I won’t be able to stay on pace with everything in my life. I just have to keep going.

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I’ve never felt more understood by others. Everyone at MIT is such a beautiful nerd at heart. And, even though we’re all toughing it out in some way, we go through it together. We show we care. We show up for each other. 

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I feel stupid. I made poor decisions that got me into this state where my mind can’t take any breaks.

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I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m just trying to keep my head afloat in this storm I’ve inflicted onto myself. 

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I should get dinner with my friend. Work is important, but meals and friends are also important. I wonder if they’ve also had a lot of racing thoughts.

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Man, this is hard to go through alone, but maybe they’re doing just fine, and I’m the only one struggling. Maybe I won’t tell them. I don’t want to come off as dumb and weak.

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I… should probably tell them what’s going on in my head. These floodgates are going to break one way or another, and we might as well endure the tides together. I should ask if they’re okay with receiving this kind of information right now—y’know, my struggles and all. I think they’ll understand.

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Oh.

Wow.

They were experiencing eerily similar things and were glad I brought it up. I was freaking out over bringing up my struggles and for what? It feels good to be seen, to be understood.

I’m… not alone?

We’re not alone.

No one here is alone.

MIT is a fucking tough school, but it has even tougher students to get through it. 

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They made me feel like everything was going to be okay, and I think I did the same for them. Together, we reworked our plans to make life more manageable—taking late days, seeking extra tutoring, or stepping back from a club. It’s hard to figure out what truly matters sometimes, but having someone to help prioritize makes a world of difference.

I think everything’s gonna be okay. ☺

I want to do so many things—there are so many incredible opportunities on campus—but I have to remind myself: I am only one person, and I need to spend my time wisely.

What really matters to me?

These four years will pass quickly, but if I focus on that question, I’ll walk out stronger, better, and ready for whatever comes next.

…

After bridging that topic, we started catching up on each others’ lives.

Have you been enjoying the rare, temperate weather of Boston?

How’s family? Your brother still asking you to help with math homework?

Do you have a favorite fruit?

Is your high school friend still working on writing a book?

Did you hear about that new public art installation downtown? Wanna go?

Have you ever gone sailing?

What’s made you feel happy recently?

…and so on

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For the latter half of our conversation, we talked about music a lot. We indulged on our recent favorite drops. Some summery pop hits, a tinge of psychedelic rock, a looot of bossa nova.

There are many concerts in Boston! We expressed being grateful to be in a city where music was like air—it was everywhere. We talked about going to an alt rock concert or jazz bar together this weekend.

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Wait… how had that many hours gone by?

It felt like time stopped for a moment, and it was just us.

Friends spending quality time together.

As they say, I guess time flies when you’re around people you love.

…

04 hehe yes I did place the ellipses in exponentially-increasing frequency