A head-and-shoulders illustration of Kano. She has medium brown skin, long brown hair and is wearing a darker yellow jacket. She has glasses and is smiling with her mouth open.

in a funk by Kanokwan T. '25

and salvaging hope

content warning: mental health, trauma

1

 

I’ve been in a funk. A deep funk.

It took me awhile to notice. A few long months.

 

feels like it snuck up on me

like — ha! — got you

 

distinct from an acute negative event happening then feeling bad afterwards

this is different

this has been a build up

a wave

 

I haven’t felt like myself

normally, I’m pretty jolly and steady

but, there have been persistent thought patterns I’ve experienced

that don’t reflect who I am, nor who I want to be

I’ve made decisions and said things that don’t feel true to my values

everything feels off

 

trauma has its ways of wading in and out of life

it never goes away

it will always be a part of who you are

it just takes on different forms

some quieter and calm

some awfully loud

and all consuming

currently, the latter has taken hold

 

2

 

Last semester, I went through some really, really tough times.

difficult things were going on in my family

also had a biking accident that resulted in a fractured skull, concussion, and black eye⁠01 ive since healed, thank goodness

having to miss weeks of classes to recover from both

and everything else in between

(i don’t feel like detailing any of this right now, maybe down the line. i just need to point out the fact that i’m redacting details because i feel like the above description undersells how deeply painful and truly horrible the semester was lol)

 

That was definitely my worst semester in-person at MIT thus far.

 

the weight of the world felt so heavy

i was barely keeping it together

 

golly

 

I’m proud I made it through relatively okay

and *deeply* grateful for the people that supported me through

my beloved friends

student support services

the fli community

and more

you know who you are

 

3

 

anyways

fast-forward to now: I’m still processing the traumas of my fall

 

I’ve been working really hard to take care of myself.

 

I had a paradigm shift a few weeks ago

shortly after realizing the status of my mental state:

I was super surprised to find that I was feeling… hopeless?

(like, I held the belief that things would not get better)

especially given I’ve endured similarly tough times earlier in life

whilst holding my head high and keeping my heart full

so why was this time so different?

 

the pain of my recent life experiences scratched at me

quietly clawed away at the hope I’ve so deeply held

until one day

I sat with myself, looked inside, and realized

I had none left

 

I had taken hope for granted

which feels so fucking cheesy to even talk about

but it’s true

 

felt like shit

felt like I let myself down

felt guilty

like, how dare I let myself reach this point?

 

but hey

it happens

this is only natural

and i am human

 

so, after a loooooooooot of emotional work (that could be its own blog),⁠02 sorry if it is unsatisfying that i have not yet included this part of the journey. i originally wanted to, but it is a lot to both process myself and also to spin into words for a blog. maybe later, if it feels right.

I’ve somehow regained hope.

 

specifically,

the belief that things can get better

and that I have the power to be a part of that change

sounds simple, doesn’t it?

like an empty platitude

almost too obvious

but it isn’t always so

especially in dark, dark times

 

so… that’s huge? and profound? and wonderful?

I’m glad I’ve gotten here

really proud of it, actually

 

with this thread of hope,

the next phase of healing begins:

a dance of soft and firm

 

allowing softness. giving myself grace. letting myself cry, laugh, and be still. eliciting emotions. writing letters i don’t plan to send. forgiving myself for having days that don’t feel right. healing doesn’t always look like action; sometimes, it’s just letting yourself feel. 

implementing firmness. pushing myself to spend time with friends instead of sinking into solitude. building up a healthy habit or two. setting boundaries where I need them. carving out time just to take care of myself. even on the days when it’s simply tough to keep up, being kind to myself—especially then—is a part of healing, too.

 

4

 

I have a quote and a poem to share.

quote

“In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.”

— Uncle Iroh, Avatar: The Last Airbender (Season 2, Episode 5)
poem

fun fact: I know 2 poems by heart, and this is one of them.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all,

 

And sweetest in the Gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

 

I’ve heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet never in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.

— Emily Dickinson

 

this one, in particular, reminds me that hope needs no reason
one can listen to the tune of it, or not
regardless, the song of hope endures

 

the arc of the human condition is long, but it bends towards hope 03 <a href="https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/blog/2011/10/21/arc-moral-universe-long-it-bends-toward-justice">MLK-inspired:</a> “The Arc of the Moral Universe is Long, But it Bends Toward Justice.”

 

5

 

I normally blog after I’ve processed something, but perhaps there is value in seeing my undertaking in the raw. This is what the work looks like: messy and tiresome. But, it’s real. It’s happening. And I’m excited to see who I’ll be on the other side.

  1. ive since healed, thank goodness⁠ ↑
  2. sorry if it is unsatisfying that i have not yet included this part of the journey. i originally wanted to, but it is a lot to both process myself and also to spin into words for a blog. maybe later, if it feels right.⁠ ↑
  3. MLK-inspired: “The Arc of the Moral Universe is Long, But it Bends Toward Justice.”⁠ ↑