how i’m feeling now by Gloria Z. '26

(see also: the hit album by pop singer charli xcx)

Four years at MIT later, how have I changed? I’ve been trying to sort through some of the complex feelings I have about this place. I feel that I can’t do them all justice with a speedily-written blog post, but I will try, because as of three days ago I officially obtained alumni blogger status (graduated), and the timer is ticking on my blog-posting permissions. I apologize if this blog is rambly or difficult to parse; I’ve left it mostly unedited in hopes that it will be more candid :-).

When I first arrived on campus in September of 2022, I was a different person in a lot of ways, and the same in many too. I came from the Bay Area in California, a place I still regard with a mix of familiarity, admiration, and trepidation. I’m still so grateful for the opportunities I had at my high school there, but I left with a very tangled relationship to achievement and success, a relationship I’m still trying to sort out. Back then, I was much more enthralled with being Good at Things, and not much else, whether it was programming, CAD, painting, or design. I was also much more taken in with the idea of dedicating the entirety of myself to one thing in college and getting really, really invested in it. I had spent many of my afternoons and evenings in high school working in the robotics lab (shout out FIRST Robotics!), and I expected college to be more of the same, just at a more complex level. These plans were quickly dashed, as I didn’t find the energy nor motivation to keep up with the intense pace of the build teams on campus; in fact, in my freshman year, I often struggled to find the motivation to do anything at all.

I was very sad those first few semesters, as I had been throughout my four years of high school. As the looming threat of college applications vanished after senior fall in 2022, I was left with a teeming mass of strange apathy and vague blurriness, which did not bode well for my first year at MIT. Much of my college freshman fall was spent in my room, swapping between sleeping and staring at my phone, sometimes too anxious to even go to the water fountain down the hall. When December came, I escaped as quickly as I could, skipping my finals and any sort of goodbye fanfare. In the subsequent spring semester, my metaphorical pot simmered over for various reasons, and I flew home in the middle of the semester for two weeks, failed intro physics, and took incompletes in two other classes. A dominant memory from that time is the scratchy fuzz of my blue carpet and the warm linoleum of my Maseeh dorm floor; the tired drone of my miniature fan; and a sinking feeling that I was wasting my time, my parents’ money, and an invaluable, coveted spot at MIT.

Let this be reassurance, if nothing else, that a difficult freshman year does not mean that it only gets worse, nor that it never gets better. Things were dark then so that they could be light later, or something like that. In the following years, there was never a particular moment in which things switched on and I became permanently happy. Instead, slowly, on more days than not, I would begin to feel the cold wind and red sun pierce my scalp instead of glancing off of it, and I would wince and then smile a bit from the sensation, grateful for the feeling. So, that is the first way I changed while at MIT: I began to feel okay, so incredibly okay that sometimes it felt like a miracle, and other times like no big deal at all. When I bite into a crisp sweet apple and the tartness soaks my tongue, I still feel that intensity, for one clear joyful moment.

I originally applied to be a blogger in sophomore year because I wanted to write about mental health; I remarked so many times over the years that I wanted to write about struggling at MIT, or dealing with sticky parts of the self while at MIT. Despite many solid attempts, though, I never felt resolved or qualified enough to put it on paper; the topic always felt too personal or too preachy or just too pointless. I felt always like there had to be a satisfying conclusion, or some sort of happily-ever-after. In the end, though, there was never a finish line, just a mountain that got a little bit smaller every day. Like the old man-monkey in Bojack Horseman said at the end of season 2, it really does get easier, which is the whole point of the thing. :-)

The second way I changed while at MIT can be summarized in a quote from this blog by Elizabeth Choe ‘13:

When I first came to MIT, I did not think much about my identity beyond someone who was good at school, I did not think much about problems beyond the ones that were in my p-sets, and I assumed institutions operated in the interest of the people they served. I can’t condense this shift—mine or campus’s—into a few sentences, but I will say that watching current students (and staff and faculty) grapple with the world as their whole selves, no matter how imperfectly, has changed me in ways that I hope will only grow.

My relationship with technology has changed a lot over the past four years. Part of that is due to just learning about the world and the ways its systems and institutions are swayed and constrained by the hand of technology; my exposure to humanities classes at MIT has been invaluable to this. The other part of that shift is witnessing firsthand the immense political and economic influence held by technology companies, whether that’s social media giants, ubiquitous software services, or, now, generative AI firms. Over the past four years, we’ve seen heightened loneliness, polarization, and platform capitalism, alongside plummeting levels of literacy and trust. It’s hard to ignore the roles that various forms of computation play in these phenomena, from social media machinations to dynamic pricing algorithms to massive amounts of AI-generated slop online, and I’m leaving MIT still unsure how exactly to navigate my role in that milieu. Frankly, these questions terrify me, because they are both so consequential and so unanswerable, but I also know that they are essential, and that I am very privileged to be able to consider them in the first place, so I’d better make it count. In the coming months, with a lot more time and mental space post-grad, I hope to think more deeply about what the best way is to use my skills for things I believe in; how to evaluate those things better; and how to balance these goals with my own material needs, what I owe/ feel that I owe to my parents, and the ways I want to care for and support the people around me. I came into college viewing technology as a network of neat, highly objective problems; now, I’ve come to understand it as an intrinsically social, historical, economic, and political body, with immense power, but also (cutely!) immense responsibility. Thus, the traits that I admire have also shifted a lot; I’m no longer as amazed by sheer intellect and hard work, although I still think those things are awesome and incredibly valuable; instead, I’m more impressed by people who are able to think critically and clear-headedly and constantly reflect on their place in the world. I’m very grateful to have found people like that at MIT, across all different disciplines (such as the blogger community!).

Also: AI has definitely been a big part of this equation, especially in the past year. However, Jebby has already written some excellent thoughts on AI in this blog, and I feel that they reflect a lot of my own opinions, so I won’t repeat them here. 

The third way I changed at MIT was that I learned a lot of stuff! Like so many cool things! As I said in my last blog about the classes I took here, I’m so grateful to have had the chance to learn just for the sake of learning. Even though sometimes I cursed my assignments and swore ruin upon Gradescope and Canvas, ultimately, I’m still in awe at the different topics, resources, and incredibly faculty I’ve had access to. I’ll definitely miss the chance to just… take well-designed classes in the most niche and interesting fields. Beyond academics, I’ve also learned a lot about myself: the ways I like to think, the ways I tend to work (despite my best efforts to minimize procrastination), and the ways I prefer to rest. I also truly hope I’ve learned how to be a better friend and a better citizen; how to make good, thoughtful creative work; and how to balance showing up for others and upholding my own health.

There are also a lot of ways I didn’t change at MIT. I still love art, more than most things in the world, and I still believe deeply in the necessity and power of intentional, human creativity. I am still often dehydrated despite my best efforts and constantly lugging around a chunky blue Nalgene. I still run a slow mile, despite a brief period of improvement in junior year. In the last few semesters, I started and stopped wearing sunscreen, picked up and dropped ceramics, and quit and started drinking coffee again. I still do all my planning and task tracking in Google Docs, I still can’t name all of the states in the US, and I still don’t believe that black pepper is, like, a real thing (I just don’t think it adds any flavor and frankly Big Pepper is punking us!). So, you know, some things don’t change. 

I’ll end with a list of things I’m grateful for and that I’ll miss:

• Maseeh late night and unlimited ketchup 😍
• Napping on the couch in the Design+ lounge in N52
• Working in Rotch Library and browsing the stacks during breaks
• Navigating through the tunnels to avoid stepping outside during the freezing winter
• The feeling of submitting a pset on Gradescope and getting that confirmation email in Outlook #thatfeelingwhen
• Closely monitoring people’s heated exchanges on dormspam with glee
• Running into acquaintances in the halls!
• Going to random club events and getting free food and seeing friends
• Making cool stuff with cool people as part of Infinite Magazine and MIT Gala
• The makerspaces on campus, particularly Metropolis and the MAD space!
• All the incredible friends I’ve made at MIT, even if we drifted apart at times or won’t end up staying in touch post-grad. Everyone here has been so unique, interesting, and kind, and interacting with them has made me a better, more curious person.

It doesn’t really feel like goodbye, because I’m still going to be in Boston this summer, and I’ll be sticking around Metropolis (an on-campus makerspace) as an alum mentor. There’s also a slight chance I return for my M.Eng in the near future. However, this is solidly the end of my undergraduate time here, which is worth at least a bit of mourning. So, thank you so much to MIT for the best four years ever! You have changed my life in a million tiny ways, and at least a few large ones. I’m leaving a better engineer, artist, and citizen, and that’s worth more than anything. Goodbye!! <3

april 2022 (CPW)

may 2026 (grad pics – imagine I’m holding up 2 6 instead of 6 2)