how i spend my days by Aiden H. '28

“How we spend our days

is, of course,

how we spend our lives”

– Annie Dillard

***

A 1 PM breakfast, one hour of productive work split across five sessions, frozen yogurt when I feel bad, staying inside to avoid the heat, feeling wasteful for not going outside, staring mindlessly at my phone, craving to do something, having nothing satisfying. A dullness in the in-betweens that seem to take up forever.

At this point, this is not “What will I do with my summer” but “This is how my summer is turning out”. It feels that way with my life, too.

***

Sometimes I have visions of how I’ll spend my days in the future. Navy polos, ugly khakis, eight-plus hours on a computer every day, a nice enough apartment, AI-generated Python scripts, stress at a start-up that’ll fail, circling back, being forgotten at a larger company, forgetting I have things outside of work, hating my job. These are my weak predictions. I’d say 8/10 land.

On the surface, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. It is a privileged path I should be honored to walk, and one that I know I am intentionally setting myself up for. Yet the thought of these days being them all bubbles up a nausea that’s becoming all-too-familiar.

***

I do not want to do what I’m doing, spend my days like this. This is a truth I’ve come to accept. This is not from a lack of research or exploration, but something internal.

So what do I do? On most days I convince myself that the majority of my day is tied to my major and college. I think this mostly true, but then devolve into questions and fears about dropping out and/or switching my path. On some days I tell myself that it is merely a question of willpower, that my feelings are certain and have been for long enough, and the only issue is that I’m not ballsy enough to drop out and pursue a passion or travel the world or do anything else. On fewer days I understand the gravity of the situation—that I do not have the money to do anything but be on a full-ride scholarship, that it would be near impossible to reverse my decision, that I could always finish my degree and then decide on a different career.⁠01 but then why finish at all? why waste the time getting something I know I won’t use? isn’t getting it just-in-case removing all the faith I have in myself to succeed at something else, committing to failure and settling? On no days I have reached a conclusion, much less done anything about it.

***

I was not forced into this. My mother did not finish college, and she never expected my sister and I to do anything except pass classes and graduate high school—regular expectations. Instead I placed all the burden on myself, which makes defying it all the more hypocritical and self-defeating.

Often around me or in the media I hear of people pushed into specific high-stress lifestyles and careers because of familial pressure. I become deluded and believe that would be easier, to blindly follow the pressures of those around you to become a doctor, or lawyer, or CEO for daddy’s company. Deluded that I’d rather be told what to do than choose. That removing most of my agency in the matter would be simpler than getting the will to use it. It’s not true, but it would feel different.

***

Most of this is a self-proclaimed lie. In only two decades I’ve felt grief and true love and pride and embarrassment. I’ve traveled the world, attended a dream university, got along with my family, had fluffy dogs and a cute apartments and remote work and friends I see often enough and a car I could choose to take anywhere and the ability to do whatever I want. An average, modern bliss.

But these lists are grasping, results of me sitting here and pondering the things I’ve done. When I actually iron it all out, flip through my memories and grab the buzz words, what do I remember?

A 1 PM breakfast, one hour of productive work split across five sessions, frozen yogurt when I feel bad, staying inside to avoid the heat, feeling wasteful for not going outside, staring mindlessly at my phone, craving to do something, having nothing satisfying. A dullness in the in-betweens that seem to take up forever.

***

I recently watched The Invite. Apart from the movie being absolutely hilarious and a new favorite, there was a section at the end that sort of stuck with me. Very paraphrased,⁠02 it is still in theaters so i can’t stream it or find the screenplay a character called out another for choosing to be miserable. Choosing to be miserable when they have a job tangentially related to their interests, a wife and a daughter, a lavish apartment and no serious tragedies. Choosing to only wallow in their repeated cycles of anguish at not having the most idyllic lifestyle of any person they’ve ever known.

At what point am I guilty of this? Are my expectations for career and the second-to-second feeling of life too high? Is this what happiness is, just mislabeled by my dissatisfaction? Even if so, how is this an escapable cycle? I see the options as accepting my wrongs and choosing to settle (a depressing defeat at which I get nothing I want) or striving after an unknown goal, one I can inherently never reach (a depressing defeat at which I get nothing I want).

***

Is choosing passion over humanitarianism even ethical? How I spend my days would be better, but who am I to make that choice at the supposed cost of others? Should I even be allowed to publicly complain about how “off” I’m feeling over whether I want to use my prestigious, privileged education? If I want to pursue which choice of lucrative careers? How am I allowed to be ungrateful at the hands of every opportunity? I feel both grateful and unsatisfied. At a certain point I have to be to blame.

But is the path I’m on even ethical? Pure research feels unrewarding, underpaid, and like I could potentially solve one little issue. Working for a company feels the same, but instead I either use my expertise for a probably pointless product (cough cough agentic workflow for bio) or work towards something meaningful, but sell my soul to work an amount I’m not willing to. The companies I could make the strongest difference in the world at are also the ones that kill the environment and support causes/institutions/governments I don’t align with. Sure, I do feel strongly (albeit not passionately) about the general biology/bioengineering/comp bio fields, but is there a way for me to make a difference with these cards?

I hate capitalism and that I need a job and that it must define me and what my life is.

***

I recently finished Everything is Tuberculosis by John Green, a book largely following the lives and cultures of people who have no choice in how they spend their days. As pathetic as it is to say, it takes me actively choosing to remove myself from my thoughts and reading about the tragedies of others to gain perspective. I don’t believe myself to be so naive to lose perspective in the day-to-day, but I definitely blur it in the background, shoving it in the back around my issues, only to be resurrected in intellectual (esoteric) conversations or passing thought.

***

I am possessed by a vague envy for everyone yet absolutely no one. There must be something people are filling their days with that I don’t know about. I don’t know how tempted I am to destroy everything in order to find out.