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MIT blogger Cami M. '23

A Week in the Life of a Second Semester MIT Student by Cami M. '23

first week impressions

image of my gcalendar

6.009 – Fundamentals of Programming

8.02 – Physics II (E&M)

CMS.100 – Intro to Media Studies

6.08 – Intro to EECS via Embedded Studies

6.042 – Mathematics for Computer Science

For all of IAP, I’ve been kind of fiddling with my spring semester schedule here and there. It’s gone through many, many forms, from 5 classes and a UROP to 5 classes and two UROPs and so on, so forth. I’ve decided on a schedule now that would look kind of gross to first-day-of-fall-semester me, a prospective Course 20 who detested everything computer science and could not imagine herself ever coding.

But here we are, taking three Course 6 classes (6.042, 6.009, and 6.08) plus a physics class (8.02). An ideal honestly would’ve been 3 technicals and 2 HASSs/writing heavy classes (I was planning to take a Women and Gender Studies course on queer literature), but I ultimately decided that it was better to try and check out 6.08 to actually see if EECS is something I’d genuinely like to pursue.

I wanted to document my thoughts of each class as this week goes on because I usually find that I’m blindly optimistic about classes on the first week (see: 18.01A, 8.01, 3.091) and as time progresses I grow more and more bored with the class and ultimately lose interest and motivation to do well in it, therefore doing the bare minimum and using PNR to my full ability.

Now, I don’t have that safety net of PNR and I actually, well, have to do decently in classes now, I need to take classes that genuinely interest me in order for me to stay motivated and active.

I think it’ll be really interesting to watch my perspective on each of these classes shift as time progresses, and maybe even comical at how quickly my positive outlook switches into annoyance and dread. This is basically what happened with 18.01A and 8.01 where I was so excited by learning concepts I was shaky on, then realized that the classes were far too advanced for my feeble mind and dropped into 18.01 and 8.01L.

Monday

 

8.02

8.02 was the first class of the day. I woke up around 10:20 and ate some shitty breakfast I scrapped together (it was like…watery oatmeal? I think I was supposed to heat it for longer but it was basically like oatmeal soup. Or cereal. Or basically just granola floating in almond milk that was slightly lukewarm and kind of gross. Really the epitome of self care right now). Aiden showed up on Loop at 10:47 and from there we departed to the TEAL room (I actively shuddered as I had to type that out). We met up with Jordan, who was in Aiden’s 8.01 TEAL group last semester (at least when Aiden attended…). We ended up sitting next to each other in the back of the TEAL room, table 12.

8.02 was just like how I remembered 8.01: L O N G.

Two hour lectures? Not my favorite. I spent the time well, though, seeing as I had taken notes on the lecture content the night before. I finished the prepsets for this week in class, skimmed over pset1 (which I don’t know how to do), and then proceeded to shop and brainstorm blog ideas since I didn’t blog last week. You can see some of our 8.02 nonsense here:

screenshot of aiden complaining about 8.02 being too long

ass.

6.08

From here, Aiden and I rushed over to 6.08, a class we share with a l o t of our friends, which makes sense seeing as there’s over 400 people enrolled in the class. This is where some of the anxiety starts to kick in. I barely have any coding experience, aside from APCSA in my junior year of high school, a class I barely retained anything in, and my three-week coding extravaganza from 6.145. Walking into that class and seeing a whole lecture hall full of people who just looked like they knew what they were doing really freaked me out. I have this thing where when I don’t eat or when I get really stressed or wound up, my hands start shaking very, very noticeably. I struggle to grip on to things and write and oh boy, did my hands start shaking in this class.

The lecturer for 6.08, Joe Steinmeyer, is a pretty chillaxed, funny guy who gave a pretty interesting and entertaining first lecture. This ~somewhat~ eased my anxiety, but I’m still really nervous. 6.08 is meant to be an introductory course for those trying to see if EECS is the right choice for them, which makes me kind of excited because I’ve really been looking for some sign or class that can help me figure out if I really am a Course 6.

When lecture ended, Aiden dragged us to MIT.nano (because I quote: “the fourth floor has the best bathrooms and I have to use the bathroom) and I kind of sat, swirling with my thoughts. Lots of doubts. Lots of imposter syndrome. Lots of fear. 30 minutes later, Raymond and I left Aiden in the nice, cushy lounge of MIT.nano to return back to 10-250.

6.009

6.009 scares the fuck out of me. Genuinely and wholeheartedly. Basically zero coding experience + a lot of self consciousness when it comes to virtually anything + taking the class in a room full of people who basically already know what they’re doing = anxiety galore. Lots of it. Shaky hands Cami is back everyone and this time, she struggles to breathe and wants to run out of the room. Head empty, no thoughts, drop course 6, let’s go.

But in all seriousness here are some messages I panic sent to my friends in the first ten minutes of 009:

my friend comforting me over discord as i cry about 6.009

shoutout to her for calming me down<3

Once we got past scary logistics and grading stuff, I managed to calm down and take notes and really try hard to follow. It was nice because the majority of it was review and I was able to follow along easily. Our lecturer is a pretty wholesome guy. He wore a samurai pizza cat shirt.

End of the day recap

I am now sitting here in Loop kitchen, writing this post instead of, well, looking over lab stuff and doing exercises for 6.08 and 6.009. I have two (!!) UROP interviews tomorrow, as well as my first day of CMS.100, which I’m actually not officially enrolled in which a n g e r s me because I’m a CMS major please just give me my intro class it’s a major requirement PLEASE. But yes. First day thoughts:

  • I’m very shaky. Both literally and mentally. I’m doubting a lot of the knowledge I have and it’s mainly because I have very smart friends in my classes and I’m scared of looking stupid. If you’ve read my blogs, this is a common theme. I often dub myself as probably the least intelligent in my friend group and this has left long-lasting implications. For example, I get embarrassed when I get things wrong. I’m self conscious when I have to discuss homework or code with them. I tend to not ask for help because I don’t want them to see how little I understand or the stupid mistakes I make that are glaringly obvious for them but not as much to me.
  • I’m really excited to learn. A lot of this stuff is just purely uncharted territory for me. It’s a lot of things I’ve heard in passing (SQL, IoT, etc.) but never really knew what it was.
  • I really, really want to do well. PNR is no more. PNR is dead. She’s gone. Dead in Miami. Found floating in a ditch with her eyes rolled back in her head and a party hat on because she died doing what she did best: carefree hard partying. And so I must now try my absolute hardest and bestest because GRADES are here and GRADES are scary. I want to do well. Please let me do well.
  • 8.02 still is on PNR though ahahaaaaaa… @ Jordan & Aquila I’m so sorry if Aiden and I leave you hanging for Friday Problem Solving.
  • I think for now I’m motivated. But of course, this is how it always starts.
  • Unfortunate that classes started on my birthday because I spent the majority of my birthday anxious and scrambling to understand information rather than, well, like, celebrating it.
  • Simultaneously relieved and scared to have Raymond and Aiden and Caroline in my classes. Of course it had to be the three people I’m least comfortable working academically with in our group to share classes with. (They intimidated me beyond belief and working with them makes me very nervous.) Yaaaay.

It is now 10:30 PM and I’ve been staring at the 6.009 lab for the past thirty minutes, still stuck on the same part. I’ve made progress little by little (thank you Adam Hartz and the 6.009 for the incredible response time to my questions. I’m forever grateful).

I’ve had a lot of thoughts about coding and my coding experience that have been building up for the past month or so and I’ve always tried to write about them, but never have been able to. Honestly, that’s the reason I haven’t been able to post that much.

I’ve been told that this lab isn’t even closest to being the hardest one, that the part I’m stuck on isn’t even the worst it gets, that this is such a simple and easy part. And I know. I know these comments mean well. I know they’re just trying to be informative. I know it’s not out of malintent. But god fucking dammit I’m so tired of having my computer science experience invalidated. I’m so tired of being told that my struggles really “aren’t that hard”. It’s the equivalent of telling a fourth grader calculus isn’t difficult. Eventually, yes, calculus gets easier and the concepts become easier to understand because you have an arsenal of experience from previous math classes. I, however, do not have that mind palace to grab from right now. All of this feels new to me, and so problems that seem so obvious and noticeable aren’t to me.

So this is a reminder to anyone to please be kind to your friends when they try and learn new things. Learning is so hard. And I’m so tired of having my experience muted or belittled just because I don’t have as much experience.

Anyway, after being on the verge of tears for the past three hours (even after I took a much needed trip to the Z to lift my frustrations), I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to try my hardest in my classes not because I need to, but because I want to.

I know I’m capable of finishing these classes; I’m just frustrated with the environment I’m in. Being around my friends who know so much already makes me feel constantly like I’m behind, even when I’m not. I think some distance could do me some good, maybe spending time with people who also are new to the subject and less experienced in code to show me that it’s normal to struggle. I’m really looking forward to going to my classes tomorrow and I’m really excited to go to office hours because God knows I need it.

For the past few months, I’ve stayed up late at night, staring at my ceiling, begging some higher being to make me smarter. To make me feel like I belong at this school because it’s February and even now I still feel like my acceptance was a fluke.

But I really hope this spring semester reflects a change in that mindset. That with office hours and relentless amounts of time put into working and coding and trying and learning, I’ll realize that I have the capabilities to make it not only as an MIT student, but also as a CS major. Because right now, my willpower is being tried, the most it has ever been, and it’s only the first day. I’m stressed, I’m anxious, I’m upset, I’m tired. But I will continue to try because that is the most I can do. Here is to tomorrow.

Tuesday

It is now 6:48 PM and I’m trying to remember all of my day so that this can be a relatively accurate recap, so please bear with me if it seems a bit scrambled.

I woke up this morning at 10am and climbed out of bed at 10:18 to put together some yogurt and granola, gobble it up, grab two tangerines, and head out at 10:50 to march on towards Building 1 for CMS.100.

CMS.100

At this time, I wasn’t actually enrolled in CMS.100; I was waitlisted. The class really wasn’t all that interesting, mainly just going over syllabus stuff. It turns out we have to lead presentations discussing texts each class, where we’re typically assigned 2-3 texts to read over before each class. The class evaluates different forms of media over time, starting with print then moving on to radio, film, social media, and gaming later on in the course. I’m really excited to be taking CMS.100 even if the first class didn’t really do much because it’s a well needed break from my technicals.

UROP UROP UROP

So I’ve been having a crisis lately where I don’t know whether to stay with the MIT Education Arcade or not. I love the lab with all my heart, but I wanted to try something new and do something maybe more directly related to my majors (CS and CMS). I found this opportunity with a group in the Media Lab that has a lot of promise and I had a really, really good interview with them. I really hope something comes out of it. I also interviewed with a super cool group that’s part of MIT.nano that also aligns really well with my interests.

So, I’m a bit torn apart because I think all three of these opportunities are incredibly interesting, but I just don’t know what to choose. I also don’t know how my timing and scheduling will work out, especially taking 5 classes, where 2 are pretty demanding and time-consuming (6.009 and 6.08). But I really need a third job because I think I’m going to have to buy lunch every day? And that’s not exactly kind to my wallet.

I really hope to hear back from the UROPs soon so I can make an informed and educated decision about my choice. I’ll probably go more in depth about which UROP I choose and why later on.

After this, I bought food yet again because I was hungry and walked over to Building 34 for my 6.042 lecture. Raymond’s been telling me nonstop about how difficult this class is, so I’m definitely pretty intimidated by it. Luckily, I do have some previous experience with the content, as I took discrete mathematics in high school. But unluckily, it was my worst math and I struggled a lot in that class on the high school level so I can’t imagine what it’ll be like here at MIT.

I really enjoyed this first lecture, actually. The lecturers are very well organized, easy to follow, and though the class is a bit fast paced and throws a lot of information at you in an hour and thirty minutes, I found myself able to follow along.

From here, I made an executive decision to postpone working in favor of going to the Z.

(Almost) End of the Day Recap

I have a 6.08 lab from 7:30 to 10pm (disgusting, I know) so my day isn’t quite finished, but I realized I don’t have any other time to write so I might as well do it now.

All day I’ve been thinking about my 6.009 code. I feel like I’m so close to getting this part done, and even though it’s just the first part, I’m really proud of myself for not getting too bogged down about it. I worked on it a bit in CMS.100 (sorry, I know I should be paying attention but c o d e) and honestly didn’t get that much done but I feel I’m close. Honestly trying to figure out what I should do tonight or how late I should stay up. I want to do more 6.08 exercises, but I also really should focus on 6.009, but I also have to do some readings for CMS.100 and a pset for 8.02.

So there’s a lot on my plate. Just thinking about even adding a UROP on top of all this stresses me out, but I need the money. The financial security that comes with having three jobs is really, really nice.

I’m really nervous for the 6.08 lab. We’re assigned partners and I have little to no experience doing hands-on EE stuff. I just really don’t want to let my partner down. Overall, a better day than yesterday. Really looking forward to 6.009 recitation tomorrow so I can get a little extra help with my code.

6.08

It’s the next day and I’m writing this in 8.02 (sorry) and I’m feeling pretty #bad about all my Course 6 classes. I don’t want to drop any classes because it feels like giving up but also I should love myself and drop a class but I don’t want to. This is stressful. I am stressed. The 6.08 lab was fine; I just didn’t finish. It’s really hard for me to adjust to starting from square 1 ( 01 Aiden saw me type this in 8.02 and he says he disapproves. He's a big matlab shill. He took an IAP course on it and now he thinks he's the best at it. What an asshole. or…zero I guess since everything indexes from 0 except for fake things like MatLab[/annotation note], oh my god look i’m making coding references HAHA IM AN ACTUAL COURSE 6 NOW). It feels like I don’t have as much experience in coding as everyone else so coming up with solutions is just much, much harder for me. I really enjoyed assembling everything and cutting wires and breadboarding (even though my wires were far too long and really messy) but when it came to the final checkoff where we had to, you know, actually code things, I struggled a lot.

I remember walking back into Loop and asking to see Raymond and Aiden’s code since they both got the solution and Raymond’s code was just something I wouldn’t have even considered and it was so neat and nice. Aiden also came up with the solution, but his was something I could understand a bit better.

Anyway, it’s just very disheartening to have to start back here and constantly feel like I’m playing catch up. It’s hard for me to tell if this is what challenge is supposed to feel like, or if this is far outside the scope of what I’m prepared for and I should drop the class now and take it in my sophomore year when I have more coding experience under my belt.

Wednesday

Before I even mcfuCkin say anything, LOOK.

look.

LOOk.

image of me passing 8.01L

I PASSED. I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!! I PASSED. I can sit in 8.02 without any qualms.

8.02

Woke up cozy and warm in my bed at 8:30. Went back to sleep. Woke up at 9:45. Browsed the phone. Out of bed at 10, got ready for the day, ate some breakfast.

Side note: I’ve been consuming SO MUCH FOOD. I’ve started going to the gym six times a week instead of four to get rid of extra steam.

Aiden, Jordan, Aquila, and I walked into 8.02 to find our table in the back occupied by HEATHENS (jk if that was you ur good) and we instead walked to the front of the room.

It was a relatively chill class, I learned a lot and asked my group for help with understanding.

I’m feeling really good about 8.02 and I’m excited for the rest of the class.

6.009

I’ve been told that 6.009 is very “optional”, meaning labs, recitations, lectures, etc. are pretty much useless if you already know what you’re doing and you can skip them all.

I do not know what I’m doing.

I went to 6.009 recitation but I think I’m going to use recitations more as two hours of focused, uninterrupted coding, rather than paying attention to tutorials.

I was actually really productive in this time, getting unstuck from the debugging part.

6.042

6.042 recitation was really, really fun. I was able to follow the information relatively well and solve the recitation problems given out in class and even participate actively in the class. A really good way to end the day.

End of the Day Recap

I wish I was more productive this day, but instead I went to an early screening of To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before: P.S. I Love You as a little treat to myself for a very stressful start to the spring semester.

The movie was amazing and was a nice escape from the bubble that is MIT. I ended the night by finishing up some CMS.100 readings and then went to bed.

Thursday

Typing this in the morning so:

Woke up at 9:30. Read MIT confessions. Went back to bed. Got out of bed at 10:15. Got ready, ate some Nutella on toast, and headed out. It’s snowy and wet and cold. Why??? WHY???

Goals for today:

  • finish 6.009 lab
  • do 6.08 exercises
  • look over 6.08 lab01a code and try and fix it

CMS.100

I’m typing this in the middle of my CMS.100 class and, gonna be honest, feels really awkward and tense right now. We’re in that stage where we are all in a relatively intensive discussion based class but we’re still very much strangers so it’s hard to be honest and open with our thoughts and opinions when we don’t really…know each other?

Hi, okay now it’s Friday but I’m still going to recap the day.

So funny enough, right after I said we don’t really know each other, our professor had us do an opener where we had to discuss our “guilty media pleasures.”

I said mine were trashy reality TV shows and Taylor Swift.

Here are some notes and quotes I gathered from our discussion.

notes from cms100

(I sometimes write my own little comments I come up with in my head. Please don’t judge me for watching extraction and surgery videos…I find them fascinating and very satisfying.)

I really thought it was insightful because we really tried to identify why we classify these things as guilty pleasures and why some things are just simply pleasures. Sometimes it comes down to ethics, other times these things just weren’t “made” for us, most of the time it’s because it’s just not socially acceptable.

It really made me warm up to my CMS.100 class and I actually volunteered to lead discussion for our next lecture so I’m really excited!

6.042

From here, I ran to the third floor of the Stud to join the first rush event for WILG! There’ll be a blogpost on my rushing experience (I’m planning to rush WILG, DPhiE, and PiPhi) probably out some time next week. I grabbed some smoothie drinks, talked to some friends, and headed to my resume meeting at the CAPD office.  This will also most likely be another blogpost.

Afterwards, I went to my 6.042 lecture and it was pretty standard. I worked out and then went to Stud5 to fix my code from 6.08’s first lab that didn’t quite work. I watched a video explaining button toggles and implemented it into my code and felt pretty confident. I then went to another WILG event (pizza in the Stud) and talked to some WILG members!

6.08

I was really nervous about this lab, especially seeing as I didn’t finish the very first one. But I happened to be partnered with a really smart guy who knew what he was doing and didn’t make me feel nervous or ashamed that I just happened to know less. Being in this comfortable environment made me feel a lot better and I actually ended up being really, really productive. The first part of our assignment was to read about how systems connect to Internet and actually pull up pages on the Internet. It was a pretty hefty couple of paragraphs and our first checkoff assignment was to explain how it all worked. There was some stuff I was pretty fuzzy on, so I shyly asked for some clarification from my partner, who happily explained.

Soon, a person came to conduct our checkoff and my partner eagerly explained everything while I kind of quietly sat and nodded. The person then turned toward me and asked me a question, but I remembered because Jay (my partner) had explained it earlier! So it was really nice just to see things work out and to see that I was actually retaining information.

From there we had to draw out a diagram of how our code would work. Essentially, we were creating a system that, based on the number of successive button pushes, would pull up a fun fact about said number of pushes. If the button doesn’t register another push within one second, it will pull up the fun fact.

This is the diagram I drew:

state diagram

I had Jay verify it because I’m still very nervous and unsure of myself when it comes to these kinds of things. He said that that’s exactly what he has and that I was on the right track. Yay!

We both got our checkoffs and then came time for the final checkoff: actually writing the code.

I was actually able to do this part relatively easily, asking here and there for clarifications like “what does %s mean?” and “my timer isn’t working, should I implement it differently?” and my partner really, really helped me. He gave me the idea for doing:

if (millis()-timestart > TIMEOUT) {

}

rather than doing:

if (millis()-timestart < TIMEOUT {

}

Essentially I used this for my timer. If that time [millis()-timestart] was greater than 1 second, I would move into the next state REQUEST, which is where I would pull up the actual fun fact page.

Had I done it the other way, it would’ve been a bit more complicated.

End of the Day recap

It was pretty shitty because I went to bed at 2, frustrated that my code for 6.009 didn’t work. I decided here to wake up at 8am and go to office hours from 9am-3pm, with a slight break in between for 11am-12pm 8.02.

Friday

Hey ho it’s Friday but also it’s still me typing from above. I forgot to type in the stuff from yesterday so I wrote all the Thursday things today. Sorry about that.

Anyway.

I woke up at 8. Scrolled on my phone until 8:30. Got up, got ready, and headed out straight to 4-370.

So, I’ll go back to my coding experience after I really quickly touch on 8.02.

8.02

Friday Problem Solving! We’re given a packet of questions and we have to work in teams of three to solve them, show the solution to a TA, and get checked off. Once the packet is complete, we are free to leave.

I’m pretty slow at physics and I really enjoy writing everything out. I write out all of my code before ever putting it in code first and I write out all the equations and things for physics rather than doing it very fast.

Aquila and Jordan are VERY fast. I’m grateful, but I just feel like a dead weight. Luckily, Aquila is nice enough to cater to all my stupid questions and answer them patiently. Thank you, Aquila!!!

So, this is a reminder for myself to go back and read over all those 8.02 problems and do them myself because they moved a bit too fast for me to comprehend.

6.009? is not 6.00-fine.

So! Let’s talk about code. 9-11AM I worked on writing a way to calculate the kernel or whatever of a pixel. I show my code to 3 or 4 different people. They say it’s fine. It should be working properly.

Okay.

12PM hits. I realize there are no office hours for 6.009 from 12PM-1PM. I am now sitting in the Stata Center waiting for 1PM to come around since 6.009 office hours are from 1-3PM in 32-123. I try to read my code and figure out what’s wrong. I see nothing wrong.

Then suddenly all the stress and frustration of this week get to me.

And here I am, fucking breaking down in the middle of the Stata, sat at this table. I am sobbing, but trying really hard to make my sniffles quieter and my tears unnoticeable.

Angrily and perhaps a bit defeatedly, I open up the Common Application website. I make an account. I add transfer programs. Maybe 6 or 7 schools. I am broken. I am tired. I am sad.

I think this is the peak of my imposter syndrome so far. Claire walks in and asks if I’m okay. I wait a couple of moments before responding because I know if I try to talk, I’ll just cry more. She just comforts me.

I tell her that this school is hard. And that I feel stupid because everyone is able to grasp solutions so quickly and I am not. My friends finished this lab within the first two days. And here I am 4 hours before deadline still stuck on the third part. And I am broken. And I am tired. And I am sad.

She says it’s okay and that 6.009 is a really hard class.

I nod.

She tries her best to debug my code. She fixes some noticeable errors (I wrote image[‘height’] instead of image[‘height’]-1).

1PM is here. I go into office hours. I am 35th in the queue.

To be fair, 6.009 is a hard class and they have very little TAs for such a large population. I don’t mind the waiting. I really appreciate all the 6.009 TAs for everything they do. It’s a tough job.

Finally, I’m up. A TA approaches me and she reads through my code. She sees nothing wrong with it. She says it’s perfect and it’s really neat. She scrolls to the bottom.

“Oh, that’s why. You haven’t been saving the image properly.”

My stomach fucking plummets.

“Yeah, just put save_image(result, “test.png”) instead of save_image(im, “test.png). You’ve been saving the original image this entire time.”

I don’t know whether to be angry or relieved. Angry that I wasted my time? Yeah. Relieved that my code wasn’t actually shit? Yeah.

Okay, it is now 2:00 and I have an hour left to finish parts 4, 5, and 6 before I have to go to mandatory 6.042 recitation and this lab is due at 4.

Caroline gets my panicked texts and comes over. She helps me a lot and I’m really grateful.

I end up finishing the lab at 3:11 PM. I’m late to my 6.042 recitation, but hey, I passed all the cases. I don’t get my checkoff done; I’ll save that for Sunday.

6.042

I walk into 6.042 a little late but I still manage to get my name down on the attendance sheet and grab a recitation paper. It’s talking about how to write proper proofs. It’s things like prove log 2 base 3 is irrational and whatnot. I took discrete in high school and I was awful at it, so I really want to try and do well in 6.042. My group is pretty cool (Kidist is in my 6.042 recitation!!!!)

End of the Day recap

So let’s talk.

Today has been a lot. A LOT. A lot. I’m really grateful for everyone who offered me help with 6.009. (Thank you to Caroline, Quentin, Claire, Raymond, and probably much more who helped me with my code.) I cried. I almost transferred (the applications are still like half filled. Honestly don’t know what I’m going to do there…probably another blogpost on this. Imposter syndrome hours.)

I didn’t eat at all today, aside from this morning. I did not drink water at all today. I realized this when I almost fainted/fell down (up? I was exiting 32-123) the stairs when I was walking to 6.042. That’s pretty bad.

Don’t worry, I grabbed Beantown right after 6.042 recitation. I skipped the gym because I just didn’t think I was in the right headspace for a push day today, though I really love push days. But yeah, school is…hard. MIT is challenging. A lot of it is a mental game, though, rather than academics. At least for me. It’s really a challenge of my resilience and belief in myself. I’ve always had a weak mental game. I get fazed really easily. The moment I think something is going to go wrong, I kind of self-sabotage. I constantly tell myself I’m bad at coding and I always compare myself to the progress of other people, so it can be especially disheartening. Being friends with such competent, capable, and intelligent people makes me realize how behind I am. It’s a vicious cycle. I love my friends, they give me help, but then I realize I’m kind of a useless sack of shit.

I know, that’s toxic. I’m trying to fix it. I want to take time to relax and rest today, but I have a lot due.

A brief to do list:

  • start 8.02 pset. Try and finish it by Sunday night.
  • 6.08 exercises! they’re due by sunday night and i’m going to try and do them tonight
  • 6.009 lab. yeah fuck u buddy im gonna try and finish u AS SOON AS MCFUCKIN POSSIBLE. i want to get this one done by tuesday.
  • CMS.100 readings and presentation prep – honestly, lower priority. this is my fun class. going to probably do this sunday night or monday.
  • 6.042 pset – this is very scary. going to go to so many office hours for this one.

I am very nervous for this second semester. If every week is going to be like this, I do not know how I’m going to do. This week featured the highest of highs (finishing 6.08 lab an hour early, watching TATBILB:PSILY) and the lowest of lows (shaking from anxiety, fainting from lack of self care, breaking down and almost transferring). It is the greatest test of my resilience yet and right now I’m just trying to take it a day at a time and try my very bestest.

Happy weekend!

  1. Aiden saw me type this in 8.02 and he says he disapproves. He's a big matlab shill. He took an IAP course on it and now he thinks he's the best at it. What an asshole. back to text