Are you ready for some FOOBAW? by Jenny B. '25, MEng '26

The Prudential Tower put on a special display for the New England Patriots tonight, before they face off against the Seattle Seahawks at the Super Bowl tomorrow.

I’ve been born and raised in America, I’ve lived here all my life, and I know next to nothing about American football. The most I’ve ever seen of the Super Bowl was Kendrick Lamar’s performance last year, and the Katy Perry Shark back in 2015.

I grew up in Alabama, so my lack of football knowledge is embarrassing. The Alabama-Auburn college football rivalry is so intense, that you can’t drive ten miles without passing by a big red Crimson Tide banner or an Auburn Tigers bumper sticker.

A very simple introduction to both teams:

• Alabama: Called the Alabama Crimson Tide. They’re located in Tuscaloosa, AL. Their colors are crimson and white, and their mascot is Big Al the Elephant. “Roll Tide” is their team cheer.
• Auburn: Called the Auburn Tigers. They’re located in Auburn, AL. Their colors are orange and blue, and their mascot is Aubie the Tiger. “War Eagle” is their team cheer.

Most kids who grow up in Alabama are indoctrinated into a team before they’re able to make a conscious choice. If they get born into an Auburn household, then that’s pretty much who they learn to root for. One time in middle school gym, a girl told me that she was the child of a Romeo-and-Juliet situation because her dad rooted for the Auburn Tigers while her mom rooted for Crimson Tide, and the Iron Bowl would raise hell between their families. When Alabama defeated Auburn in 2014, the largest kid in my class hunted down every Alabama fan he could find and yelled “WAR EAGLE” and “I HATE YOU” at them. After Auburn’s 2010 victory against Alabama, an Alabama fan went to Auburn University and poisoned the two oak trees that stood on Toomer’s Corner, where Auburn fans have rallied support since the early 1900’s.

My parents didn’t watch college football. We were casual fans of the Atlanta Braves, and kind-of the LA Dodgers when Hyun-jin Ryu was there. But back in elementary school, it was less weird to tell your friends that you didn’t go to church, than to tell them that you didn’t root for either Alabama, Auburn, Alabama State, or LSU. When my kindergarten classmates asked me what team I rooted for, I chose Alabama on a whim. My allegiance was sealed. Whenever some kid would start our most popular playground chant, I’d join the Alabama fans in saying: “Alabama (thumbs-up), Tennessee (sideways thumb), Auburn University (a very aggressive thumbs-down, and some theatrical gagging).” (I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST AUBURN, BY THE WAY. I WAS JUST TRYING TO FIT IN WITH THE SOCIAL SCRIPT.)⁠01 In fact, I think that Aubie the Tiger has the best character design out of any college mascot in the United States. Most of the Science Olympiad competitions I went to were hosted at Auburn, so I have specific fond memories of being on their campus. Also, their beignets are yummy.

Because the presence of college football was so potent in my upbringing, I assumed as a kid that colleges were institutions specifically built around football. As in, the football team would come first, and they got their own campus once they made enough money. If you get accepted to Georgia Tech for example, you devote yourself to four years of study at Georgia Tech, and then you graduate and become a certified fan of the GT Yellow Jackets. I did think it was weird that college students had to study instead of just watching football all the time, but I figured it was like a social contract situation, where you contribute to the intellectual corpus of the college in exchange for exclusive fan benefits. This hypothesis fell apart in fifth grade history, when I learned that the Puritans founded Harvard College for a bunch of reasons that had nothing to do with football.

To this day, I haven’t seen a single complete football game. So a few months ago, I downloaded an app game called Retro Bowl, where you manage an NFL team and play offense on the field. It has very good ratings. It also made me mad, so I quit. Is it because I was bad at it? Probably. But there’s something about the structure of football that makes it both aggravating and addicting. Although an average NFL game lasts 3-4 hours, it was calculated back in 2010 that the ball is only in play for about 11 minutes.

Of course, that shouldn’t discount all of the strategizing being done behind the scenes. Jon Bois leans into this as a major story element in The Tim Tebow CFL Chronicles,⁠02 Which you should totally read. It's one of my favorite works of fiction. where one game of football is played over a three-million-yard stretch for more than a decade, and the players traverse the Canadian wilderness and cross the ocean. When the time and space of football is dilated to a more massive scale, it’s easier for an outsider to appreciate the strategic nature of football.

In real football, each play lasts only a few seconds on average, and it’s a struggle to push the line of scrimmage by several yards before you get tackled by sheer muscle. It has this jarring start-and-stop nature to it, like if you drove a car at high-speed but slammed the brakes every few seconds. Each play is a brief explosion of action, and the players have to completely reset their positions whenever the play ends. An unbearable load of anticipation builds up before each play, in quick succession. Although it was as addicting as sitting in front of a slot machine, I eventually grew exhausted by it.

I think football is better to watch on TV, when tracking shots add action to the spectacle, and all the ads and commentary can give you time to lower your heart rate a little. Tomorrow, I’m just going to stick to the commercials and the halftime show. Go Pats, though!