finding good by Cami M. '23

warning! suicide ment /

This post originally was talking about the events of the past week. But to sum it up I thought I’d put it in short little bubbles so I can talk about it more:

• I calculated my grade wrong for 6.009 and realized this on Sunday morning.
• From my calculations, there was no possible way for me to pass 6.009 unless I did extremely well on the quiz — for reference, I got a 0 on last quiz.
• I began to spiral and started crying really hard and becoming very panicky and anxious because this class has been hell for me and I couldn’t do it again, I didn’t want to do it again.
• I spiraled and talked to some people about some suicidal thoughts. I felt very impulsive and wasn’t really sure of what I would do.
• I managed to nearly calm myself down and came to terms with taking it again, but I still felt very numb.
• I had a “wellness check” from the police the next morning, who had caught wind of my suicidal talks. This terrified my roommates and me because we thought we were in trouble, when in reality, they were just making sure my dumb self hadn’t done anything rash.
• I took the 6.009 quiz on Wednesday. I did much better than I thought.
• I am now filled with hope for passing. Which scares me, frankly. I don’t want to get too excited and think that I’ll pass because then I’ll have to go through the crushing blow of failure all over again if I don’t end up passing.
• I had a call with MIT’s Student Support Services asking 1) about my “wellness check and 2) if they could do anything to support me in 6.009. She also kindly reassured me that I was not the only one who has reacted this way to 6.009. It was slightly reassuring, but also slightly alarming that one class at MIT can do this to a student. Perhaps they should change that.
• It is now Friday and 6.009 is dead (I have no more assignments or grades to be inputted for the class). I am planning to complete my Spanish project over the weekend so I don’t have to worry about it. And then I have my two finals (18.02 and 8.021) left. Then, the semester will be over.

And now we’re here. Hi!

I originally wrote a really…really long thing about all of this. How I felt in those moments. How I talked myself out of it. Etc. Etc. But I didn’t really know if that was healthy, or if there was a purpose in it other than venting.

So I wanted to make a blogpost to counteract that and talk about things that I’m looking forward to, things that help me get up and get excited to tackle the day. So here have been some of my motivators as of recent:

Gym time

My apartment’s gym has recently opened up, where you can sign up for a slot and you have the gym to yourself. It’s fairly well equipped, with a cable machine, a nice array of dumbbells, a leg curl extension machine, and interestingly enough, a bunch of Pelotons. My roommates and I go to the gym pretty often, usually around 4-6 times a week. I hate all forms of cardio, but I’ve been giving the Peloton a try and my stamina is way worse than I anticipated. I struggle so much with consistently biking for ten minutes at the changing resistances, but hopefully I’ll get there.

In fact, the day I got the bad news about 6.009, I headed straight to the gym and lifted my feelings away.

I got most of my advice and help from big burly MIT mountain men (namely Aidan C. ’23 and Petey) and they’ve been helping me a lot. It’s been a great outlet for me and I really love having it as part of my routine. I miss the Z (the MIT gym) dearly and cannot wait until I am back on campus and can go consistently again, but for now, the apartment gym is a great substitute.

Winter break

I’m really excited to go home this year! Christmas is my favorite holiday and also time of the year. I love Christmas movies and music and food and all the vibes and it’s such a nice time. I can’t wait to see my grandparents and my mom and my dog and my dad’s side of the family and overall it’ll just be a lovely time. My friend group (crabmeats!) also does an annual Secret Santa and this year we’re going to open presents and do reveals over Discord!

Campus Life

Frankly, I’m excited to be back on campus again in the spring. I have a pretty solid pod next semester. Aiden (my best friend!) and Aidan (my pseudo older brother!) will be taking Mariia and Emma’s place as my roommates and we’ll be podding together, aka living together on campus and can full interact with each other without masks. While the semester will definitely be stressful and hard, I’m looking forward to hanging out with the Aida/ens again since we all got along so well and I have a lot in common with them.

Classes, Classes, So Many Classes

Next semester I plan on taking some assortment of: 21G.704, 6.006, 21L.512, 6.0001/0002, 6.070, 6.009 (? ahaha…if I fail)

21G.704 Spanish 4 – I’m really excited about taking Spanish 4 next semester! As many of you know, I love, love, loved Spanish 3 and it’s inspired me to maybe pursue a Spanish concentration or even a Spanish minor.

6.006 Intro to Algorithms – Honestly not tooooo excited about this class but maybe it’ll treat me better than 6.009. I also really liked 042, which is the predecessor to this class, so who knows? Maybe it’ll be really hard, but I’ll enjoy it.

21L.152 American Authors: Weird Americas – Okay so I’m trying to take literature classes because I want to do Literary London IAP 2022, where I go to London for a month and study English literature and then travel around the UK with friends and have a good time. And that sounds like such a dream. And I want that. I’m also considering just studying abroad from January to May in Spring 2022 at ICL, but who knows? I just really love the UK and I want to go. But anyway, I chose this class because it featured some books and pieces of media I was interested in consuming such as Gabriel García Márquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude, Black Panther, Margaret Atwood’s Oryx and Crake, and even Beyoncé’s Black Is King. I’ve been meaning to get back into reading, as many of the bloggers have been doing, but frankly I get distracted far too easily to dedicate time to a book, so hopefully taking a class that gives me deadlines for reading will motivate me.

6.0001/0002 Intro to Python – Now I know what you’re thinking: But Cami, you already took 6.145 which fulfills your requirement for an Intro to Python class! Firstly, kudos to you, reader, for knowing my major requirements. Secondly, I didn’t do really all that well in 6.145. Sure, I got an A, but how much of that did I really absorb? I also want to LA for the class in the future, so it might do me some good to actually take the class so I know what I’m in for.

6.070 Electronics Project Laboratory – This is an introductory EE lab class that I’ve been interested in since my freshman spring. I don’t know much about EE but it would be nice to get a small grasp on it and this class seems like a great way to get an introduction to it. Maybe I’ll like it so much I’m convinced to become a 6-2 again, who knows?

Rush? Extracurriculars? Recruitment?

Frankly I’m excited to see my friends again. A lot of Student Council will be on campus so I’ll get to finally meet some of the min person, THINK will be running, CodeIt will be going again next semester, and there’ll be recruitment and rush events for Greek Life happening (virtually) so it’ll just be a nice way to socialize and get out and talk to people. I am just! Very excited for all of these things that will happen.

WebLab and Web Development Things

I recently purchased a very tiny React course on udemy at the recommendation of Gonzo ’20. I’ll also be doing 6.148 aka Web Lab, an IAP class/competition where undergraduate teams of 3 spend the month making themed websites in exchange for prizes and recognition or just knowledge in general. I really am excited to learn more about webdev since that’s really what I love most about CS (so far).

Jobs! And Fellowships! And Programs!

I’ve taken my job back at my old UROP with the MIT Education Arcade and the Teaching Labs with my previous UROP advisor Meredith and I’m beyond elated to be working with them again! I learned a lot in my previous UROP in terms of research-based writing and literature reviews and it’ll be interesting working in the same lab. I’ve realized I have more interest in education than I originally anticipated so it’s nice to be back in the throws of it and exploring and learning. I hope to take some education-focused classes in the future (hopefully) so I can continue to learn more.

In addition to that, I’ve accepted a position as an Infinite Careers Program Assistant, aka I work with setting up events and interviews with alumni, which will be super fun! I’ll be in close contact with CAPD (Career and Professional Development offices), who I’ve gone to plenty of times in the past for resume and cover letter help. In fact, my boss, Tianna, is someone who I had consulted for help with my applications, and it’s kind of funny that I work for her now!

I also was lucky enough to be chosen for some brief winter programs for tech companies, so I’m looking forward to exploring more fintech and whatnot this January.

And of course, I’ll be blogging and doing panels and still running the Instagram account, which I absolutely adore.

Really, that’s all I have to say. I thought I’d just document good things going on in hopes of combatting the discomfort of earlier this week!

Happy almost winter break!

playlist i’ve been listening to a lot