g e m i n i j u i c e by Allison E. '27

i woke up monday morning to this terrifying message in the blogger slack:

why does google own this thing. what is it used for.

i passed by on the way to class and almost got in the line to figure out wth was going on

there were probably at least six uniformed employees

multiple lines of very official stanchions⁠01 those black pole things used for line-demarcating with the retractable seatbelts apparently have a name. also i’ve learned that they’re EXPENSIVE to rent out and also EXPENSIVE to buy and also ungodly heavy and impossible to transport (speaking from experience)

and four walls contiguously filled with juice⁠02 google notably is not a juice company .

alas, arrive-at-lecture-perfectly-on-time strategy = no room for side quests.

but more courageous bloggers took on the challenge…

we got news of the pinkish-red juice first

i love reddish juices!

usually it means it has strawberry or smth raspberry or cherry and probably 200% of my daily added sugar allotment

but nope it’s orange and BEETS?!?

what.

i can’t actually really remember what beets taste like but i’m pretty sure they don’t go with… orange??

also i’ve never seen beets in any juice. i didn’t know that was a thing you could do??

but ok whatever the tech world is weird and these fancy juices always have some strange combos, sometimes you just resign yourself to weird juice with the illusion of health

anyways another of my friends was also deceived into braving the line

(she was in search of orange juice)

instead, she got THIS MONSTROSITY

“pineapples, spinach” ok ig it’s one of those fancy “healthy” juices with vegetables or smth… ig that’s fine

“cilantro, celery”

what. never in my life have i seen fruits + cilantro. also celery is just a disgusting vegetable

“calcium, limes, jalapeños” JALAPEÑOS?!? IN A JUICE? genuinely i have no words. plus now i feel like there’s an entire chunk of highly reactive alkaline earth metal in the juice.

“kale, zinc, and cucumbers” ok again with the metals. also i am personally of the opinion that cucumbers belong in zero foods. ever.

my friends had similar reactions…

who in the world could’ve come up with this demonic combination?? a theory was proposed:

(and then as usual the conversation devolved into nerd)

the blogger slack was equalled appalled

meanwhile, others bravely collected the whole set, revealing to us the other two flavors

they must’ve made them rainbow on purpose 💀 i wonder if the ingredients were chosen to create the rainbow rather than any coherent taste

the orange one would’ve been acceptable if they didn’t add BASIL. they were so close

and as a true asian i generally approve of putting ginger in things, but adding CARROTS and TURMERIC??

anyways, just one mystery remained: did the juice ✨spark our confidence ✨?

i would argue yes

(many thanks to jebby for letting me thieve the title)