memorial for a dorm by CJ Q. '23

i felt the need to have some sort of memorial service

to commemorate the death of east campus and the death of this room in particular

62h306

today i remember the people who lived in this room before me

of the several dozen years that this room has lived

i’ve only been here to bear witness a small part, only trace a quarter of it

i don’t know your full history, but i do know enough to have gotten to know you

i’ve done enough in this room, placed enough things, learned enough about it, to have formed this connection

i know you’re not real, you’re not living, you’re not sentient, you won’t ever hear this

even though i’m saying this inside you right now

i felt the need to do this because i will miss you, in a way

this has been the one place i’ve stayed in the longest

(without considering my parents’ place)

i stayed here for, in total, two years, which isn’t even really that long in the scale of places i’ve stayed in

but the fact that it has been that long, and it’s way longer compared to anything else, is kind of a big deal to me

this is just to say, i’m gonna miss you, h306

i’m gonna miss east campus, and all of it’s weirdness, all the art painted on its walls

all the hidden passages, the memories made by dozens and dozens of people before me

in a way it reminds me of suzume, i guess, in how you have to think about how this place was used before you, all the memories made by people in this soon-to-be-abandoned building

because a place is never really about the place, it’s about the people who live in the place, the people who do things in the place, and now all of those people are gone, and i will be one of the last to leave

i’ll be one of the last to leave

i guess this is also the conclusion to me graduating, or of my time in mit, because after i leave ec i won’t be on campus for a while

i’ll be in et, and the next time i’ll be back will be for a therapy appointment but, whatever

i don’t know why i felt the need to do this, but i’m doing it anyway

and i

i’ll miss you

i’ll miss this

and i’m very sad about graduating, and i don’t know how to express that in words

even though i think i’m normally a very articulate person

it feels like there’s this hole

it feels like, when you’re buliding up a tower of lego bricks, but you only have enough to go up two of the sides, and you can’t bring up the middle to be the same height as the rest, and you end up with this weird-looking structure, and in a sense i feel like my whole life has been this weird-looking structure where i’ve been leaving lots of gaps everywhere because i can’t find the pieces to fill them with because that’s how it’s been

it feels like i’m grieving, even though i know that no one is dying

even though i know i could see people again, if i wanted to

even though for some of the people i said goodbye to, it might be the last time i said goodbye to them

i have no idea how humanity has a whole hasn’t figured out this medicine you could take to stop feeling grief

there are no stickers that i could place on memories to save them

the closer and closer i zoom into this fractal the more and more hurt i feel

even in the infinite tapestry of beautiful memories and color that people have made inside here

i’m sorry

goodbye