i’ve been drafting and drafting this blog post over and over again in hopes of making good impressions but i realize at this point it will all appear as the same verbal upchuck.
hello! my name is cami, i’m 17 years old, i live in random hall, and i. am. exhausted.
these past two weeks at mit have definitely been very fulfilling and gratifying, yet simultaneously i feel like i’ve been wandering without really processing anything that’s been going on. that’s why i’m going to take this time to blog my ~feelings~ and understand really my position.
if i had to label my relationship with mit like on one of those public facebook post thingies it’d probably be under “it’s complicated.” i first visited mit back in my sophomore year and i instantly felt a connection, like love at first sight. the wacky architecture, the quirky personalities, the mens et manus philosophy — it was everything i ever wanted in a university. but i kind of psyched myself out and convinced myself that mit, that beautiful Girl, was out of my league.
and in some strange protective mechanism, i forced myself to hate mit. “the flight’s are too far from cali.” “cambridge is expensive.” “mit isn’t that cool.” but secretly inside i knew that mit was, in fact, that cool.
and as i jumped from one dream school to another, mit still lingered in the back of my mind. no matter how hard i tried to convince myself i didn’t love mit i inevitably had to admit my feelings to myself. so i drafted and drafted and drafted. backspace. retype. edit. submit.
and here i am! so yes. it’s taken a lot of trial and tribulation to get here. i’m still coming to terms with the fact that i’m going to what i believe is the number one university in the world when i feel just about…average?
i know, i know. imposter syndrome. duckling syndrome. uh, [insert more syndromes here so sorry i don’t know]. but i didn’t expect it to hit so soon.
i remember drafting my courses on an application that helps us visualize scheduling options and thinking i would get credit for calculus from passing our math diagnostic. i convinced myself the first semester was going to go exactly to plan. i was gonna be a culinary master, cooking meals left and right in random hall. i was going to take 3.091, 18.02, 8.02, and some ci-h. i was going to join an acapella group. hell, join a dance group too! add a urop and misti on top of that! maybe i’ll even be a blogger!
and everything is going to go to plan. exactly how i want it.
SPOILER ALERT: NO IT DID NOT GO LIKE THIS AT ALL!!! this is the end of the honeymoon phase. cue the fights. cue the disagreements. cue pterodactyl screeching in the distance.
- i 'didn't receive a sufficient score to qualify for credit for 18.01' my math diagnostic. there goes my 18.02 and 8.02 dreams.
- i got waitlisted by all my ci-h classes and I AM NOW IN INTRO TO WESTERN MUSIC. IT IS SUPER COOL.
- i am a f r a i d to cook for myself and realize that i know nothing about cooking whatsoever. i’ve been feeding off of the free food events like the roach i am.
- i was sick for all the acapella auditions and canceled on the three groups i signed up for. im so sorry @ mit muses, chorallaries, and syncopasians. i would love to join your groups next semester/next year.
- i just went to an adt workshop and have realized that perhaps jumping into a dance group is not for me.
- i do not have enough time for a urop at the moment. misti may still be in the question.
- hey…im still a blogger tho ;)
so yeah, these past couple of days have not exactly gone to plan. like every relationship, my honeymoon with mit has come to an end and all the little quirks and idiosyncrasies have started to surface. but i know that these couple of weeks are not a reflection of everything that mit is. there are peaks and troughs in every relationship, and right now, i’m simply just in a trough. i am still very much in love with mit, and i’m excited to see where these next four years take me.
to fellow frosh who may be feeling somewhere along the lines of this: you are not alone. i feel you. i understand you. i hear you. sometimes things just don’t go to plan, and we learn to adapt. so come hither, fellow frosh, let us adapt.
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- I AM NOW IN INTRO TO WESTERN MUSIC. IT IS SUPER COOL. back to text ↑