A couple updates:
- I quit two of my jobs
- I’m taking 4 classes and two of them are technicals and two of them are not, but one of the not-technical classes are still a lot of work
- I am good, I am okay
- But I am very tired
- I sprained my ankle
I’m starting my third week of school next week and I find myself more exhausted than ever. All of my weeknights are taken up by classes or extracurriculars. My mornings are taken up by the gym, which I adore so I really don’t mind it at all. But, God, am I fucking exhausted.
My typical day looks a little bit like this:
- Wake up at 9am
- Get ready for the day and eat a protein bar
- Leave the DPhiE house by 9:45am
- Walk across the bridge leisurely and arrive at the Z by 10am-ish
- Work out from 10:30-12
- Get lunch from 12-1
- Go to class from 1-4 on MWF and 1-2 on TR
- Do homework and sit with friends from whatever time until 4 or 5
- Go to ZBT for dinner
- Go back on the van
- If it’s Tuesday or Thursday, go to class from 7-10. If it’s MWF, go to your extracurricular meetings for SEB or DPhiE.
- Work from 10pm-12am.
- Get ready for bed and sleep by 1am.
There are definitely slots for when I can do fun things, like that nice slot from 2pm to 5pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but I often just find myself so mentally exhausted from the day that I simply rot and watch Twitch streams because it requires the minimum amount of effort.
Raymond and I did a breakdown of my commitments to figure out if there’s anything I can do to better spend my time weekly.
Classes (not including in class time)
- Network Cultures 8 hours
- Differential Equations 8 hours
- Intro to Web Development 8 hours
- Poetry Workshop 2 hours
- My sorority 6 hours
- Student Events Board 5 hours
- UROP: 7 hours (although it really hasn’t ramped up too too much yet which is my fault)
- Admissions blogging (this): 2 hours
The thing that sucks is that I love doing all of these things, or I do to some extent. I just wish I had more me time. I find that having meetings constantly is SO draining. SEB has maybe 3 meetings a week and DPhiE the same and I would love time to just sit and do things by myself.
I’ve already dropped jobs I really enjoy, like my CAPD position and my other UROP at the Game Lab to better accommodate for my schedule and I’m just feeling very disappointed in myself for not living up to the commitments I set for myself.
I also wish I hadn’t quit my jobs because money is frankly very tight for me right now since my housing stipend hasn’t come in yet and I already paid off my summer housing so I am in an uncomfortable deficit.
My schedule feels very robotic and stiff, at the moment, and I miss the spontaneity of last semester. I honestly curse my fall self for feeling as if she had too much free time and wanted to add more to her commitments. I adore and love all my commitments, but I’m feeling things a bit too much all at once and I wish I could just sit and paint or play guitar or read without feeling guilt.
I’m a bit unsure of what to do from here. I feel really separated from my friends because they don’t live in my house and I barely get to see them because of how busy I am. I am so grateful to the People in my sorority. because they put up with my constant whining about being hosed.
I feel very…defeated? overwhelmed? tired? a bit of all the above. But I can’t drop any classes because I need them to graduate on time, and I can’t drop extracurriculars because I’ve already made a commitment, and I can’t drop any of my jobs because I need money and I genuinely like my jobs.
So. There’s a lot. I’ve found that my creativity and interest in blogging has dropped significantly because of this and I just feel very..empty? Boring? Not humanlike? As a result.
I think spraining my ankle also has not helped since the gym was the one thing I really felt like I was making progress in and found comfort in the constant progression and improvement from that space. Now, my ankle has made it harder to make that progress. So I feel very stunted and though I’m doing fulfilling work in other things, I find that my main stress outlet has been affected.
I kind of hate how I’ve become this repeated work machine. How I no longer have important or interesting things to tell people but instead I’ve reverted to the kind of MIT student I hate — one that has no personality outside of work and work and work.
In an ideal world, I’d have time to read every day and take walks across the bridges and meet with friends spontaneously. I’d paint in my room on the weekends and buy pastels from the store. I’d go to yoga classes and pole fitness classes and box and learn to do all these cool things. I’d play guitar and go to singing lessons and get better at fingerpicking songs instead of strumming boring old chords. I’d hang out at Simmons or Random with all my friends and hear all their life updates. I’d take trips to Salem or Providence and explore the town. Or take strolls on Newbury and sip quaint little coffees from overpriced shops.
But I simply do not have time.
And hopefully I’ll be able to find that time. And with it, I’ll be able to learn how to be human again, but in the meantime, I will try my best.
- Network Cultures back to text ↑
- Differential Equations back to text ↑
- Intro to Web Development back to text ↑
- Poetry Workshop back to text ↑
- My sorority back to text ↑
- Student Events Board back to text ↑
- People in my sorority. back to text ↑