everyone i know goes away in the end by CJ Q. '23

i’ve never done misti, which is mit’s international experience thing. i was given the chance, in april 2021, to spend the first half of 2022 in imperial college london. i spent a few days thinking about the decision, and talking to people, and declined in the end, because i “didn’t want to spend that much time away from mit.” i never applied to a misti program again.

do i regret it, saying no? if i went, i would’ve missed doing mystery hunt with galactic, missed my first in-person cpw, missed going to tech squares weekend, maybe missed doing my internship. if i went, maybe i would’ve had fun doing things and meeting people in london. but knowing how badly i keep in touch with people, i’d have stopped talking to any new friends i made by now.

that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it, making friends you see for but a few months. that’s what summer camp is, and i enjoyed my summer camps. but part of me yearns for relationships that last longer. for the selfish reason of having someone i’m comfortable with, when i need someone. maybe i need a boyfriend, or two or three. but i’m scared of that kind of commitment.

two nights ago i had dinner with wayne, one of my best friends in mit. we’ve been friends since we were both frosh. we see each other regularly, whether it’s in esp meetings or worksessions or bumping into each other in hallways. i’d expected another semester of being together, but he told me a few weeks ago that he’s taking leave this semester.

two nights ago i had dinner with wayne, and that’d be the last time we’d see each other in-person, for a long time. i started this year thinking we’d get to spend more time together before we graduated and i left mit. now, unless some coincidence happens, we’ll never live within a few minutes walk of each other, ever again.

we went to the mccormick dining hall. he lined up in the stirfry line. i didn’t get stirfry often, but that night i stood next to him in line. i squeezed every minute i could being with him. it wasn’t enough. i wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

what would’ve changed, if i had a semester instead of an hour? i’m answering this question live, with all my other friends in mit. graduation will be the last time i’d see many of them, yet i’m going on with this semester as if nothing’s gonna change. maybe nothing will change; maybe goodbye stings no matter how long you prepare.

i’ve been growing apart from others, but not growing nearer to others in exchange. i feel my social energy’s weaker, enough that i have to budget who to spend my time with.

as soon as i graduate from mit, all my mit friends get put on a counter, counting down the number of times i’ll see them again in-person before i die. for most of them, it’ll be never. for others it’ll be around yearly. maybe i’ll see them fifty times before i die, maybe a hundred.

by the time i graduate, i’ll have used 90% of my time with these friends, maybe more.

some of these people i call best friends.

i’m not ready to say goodbye to them.

maybe i never will be.