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MIT blogger CJ Q. '23

actual conversations i definitely had last night by CJ Q. '23

happy new year i guess

A: god it’s already new year’s eve
B: yeah there’s still some people around campus
A: i mean we’re around
B: no like
B: other people
B: doing work
A: yeah and i bet they’re saying to themselves
A: look at these privileged undergrads taking a walk around campus
A: like little children having fun
A: or something

A: so you know how this guy passed by
B: yeah
A: well i wanted to say, oh shoot, it’s another person, act normal
B: what
A: yeah and i stopped myself from saying that
B: what
A: i stopped myself from saying that because i’m normal, haha
A: in a sense aren’t we all trying to act normal all the time
B: well
B: don’t say that, that’s weird
B: i mean, “it’s another person, act normal”
B: that’s weird
A: so “we’re all trying to act normal” isn’t weird

A: we’re driving in mario kart
A: like we’re driving along in life
A: at any moment we can stop
A: but we choose not to stop
A: because we just keep going
B: ok but do you want to keep playing or not

A: it’s december thirty-first
B: yes
A: twenty twenty-one
B: yes
A: time isn’t real
B: yes
A: it’s just a construct invented by big time to sell more time

B: sometimes i feel like i never made any real friends in mit
A: oh
B: i mean, do you feel like you’ve made friends in mit
A: uh
A: i mean
A: well, no, not really
A: but like
A: doesn’t everyone in mit feel like this
B: nah i think i know people who don’t
A: ok cool

A: oh god
B: what
A: my life is just so insignificant
A: like, i’ve been spending so much of my life just
A: doing nothing
A: right now we’re just taking this walk together
A: and then i’ll end up graduating and then working a job
A: and i’ll look back at this memory and be like
A: well, that was an experience that felt meaningful at the time
A: but was actually pretty shallow
A: and meaningless
A: like everything else in life
B: same

B: i am so not used to looking at this side of the screen
A: eh give it a race or two
A: you’ll get used to it
B: yeah because isn’t that just how life works
B: like society tells us
B: do this, do that
B: get used to it
B: and we complain at first but after a while we just
B: get used to it
A: uh
A: well
A: do you wanna switch sides again
B: nah i’ve already gotten used to it

A: i feel like i could just
A: choose to be happy, if i wanted to
A: like, just stop being depressed or sad just boom
A: maybe there’s like this switch i can flip
A: that’d just suddenly make me feel good about myself
A: and i feel like it’s right there
B: well for me it’s more like
B: a maze of switches
B: and you don’t know which switch will work
B: and also the switches are in a dark room
B: and your eyesight sucks
B: and oh god
A: what
B: i think my contacts fell into my eyes

B: so why do you hate yourself so much
A: uh
A: that’s a good question
A: well
A: actually
A: i don’t know
A: i think i just have so much hate and resentment for myself
A: that i’ve like, built up over the years
A: for no good reason
B: same

B: is this the way you expected your college life to be
A: i mean, i guess
A: i’m like, learning things
A: and i’m doing exciting stuff sometimes
B: oh
B: i mean i don’t think it fit my expectations
A: well what were your expectations
B: i dunno, that i’d end up being happy after all of this
B: or like, make actual friends
B: or feel like i’ve found a home somewhere
B: or feel less alone
A: oh

B: i’ve already gotten used to feeling nothing
A: that
A: sounds really sad, actually
A: like, do you not even have fun any more?
B: no
A: not even when we were playing mario kart?
B: i mean, that’s the dumb kind of fun
B: it’s not really fun
A: wow
A: that actually sucks
A: that’s actually really sad
B: well it’s not sad
B: i mean
B: it’s just neutral
B: like everything else i feel
A: that
A: i mean that sounds sad but
A: i guess it’s just
A: neutral?
B: yeah

A: maybe that’s the real issue
A: that i just need to
A: forgive myself
A: for having all this hate toward myself
A: for no reason at all
A: and oh god, is it just that simple?
A: and is it weird that like
A: tomorrow i’ll wake up and things will be fine
A: and iap will start soon and we’ll go back to work
A: and the days will pass by one-by-one
A: and each day will be fine
A: and everything will be fine
A: and it’s all just so pointless
A: like, why are we even doing this?
B: uh
A: what
B: look
A: oh
B: i don’t think we should walk any further
A: yeah let’s turn back

B: that’s just how life is
B: we talk and then we die