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I get a temporary cat by Alice L. '24

and it comes with occupational hazards

This is PUF!

I obtained a temporary cat this summer because Ilani A. ‘23 was off at a very cool math REU that, sadly, did not allow cats. PUF01 short for Public Universal Feline usually lives on Black Hole in Random during the year, where they have a tendency to get bullied by the other cat on the floor, and thus end up spending quite a bit of time in Ilani’s room.

For the summer, though, PUF was living with me on 5w in EC, and got to freely wander around the Wood-side lounge and kitchen. PUF spent the summer enjoying a variety of activities such as:

1.  screamingPUF with their mouth open in a "loaf" position on my bed.

PUF is a loud cat. PUF is also an opinionated cat. PUF also has impressively large lungs for a relatively small cat, and will go mrreeoooooooowwwwwowwowwwwww. mrow? mrreeoooooooowwwwwowwowwwwww! without pause because they want to be fed at 3 am. Or maybe because they want cuddles at 3 am. Or maybe because they’ve decided they want out, also at 3 am. I don’t know if PUF stopped screaming at 3 am or if I just got really good at sleeping through early morning feline protests.

2. sitting on my mcat books but specifically only the one I was currently using

PUF sitting on "MCAT biochemistry"

“the m in mcat stands for majestic cat” -raleigh ’26

3. sitting, in general

PUF taking two steps and sitting down.

I taught PUF a “sit” command, but PUF is smart enough to understand that they don’t actually have to do anything just because I told them to do it. PUF only sits if I’ve got a treat in my hand, and then will only do the bare minimum that could be considered “sitting.” Sometimes they do a sad little half-squat and then meow at me resentfully when I don’t consider it enough of a sit.

4. snuggling in weird positions against my arm specifically so I can’t type

PUF's head and Alice's hand.

but most importantly,

5. stealing

in that PUF used to scream at me if I didn’t leave an arm outside of my blankets for them to cuddle with at night, and then they suddenly stopped doing so, and I could not figure out why PUF didn’t like me any more until I started packing everything up to move out of EC and back into Random, which meant I had to move this box that PUF liked to chill on,

PUF lying on top of a transparent plastic box. A soldering iron can be seen inside the box.

“Do you think the dildo reminded PUF of Black Hole?” – Grace S. ’23

and on this particular day, I find PUF curled up on it. With a purple dildo. My temporary cat really replaced me with a silicone sex toy. Thanks, PUF.

I don’t know whose nor when nor why nor how PUF managed to get this up onto a loft. It didn’t look like it was small enough to be carried around in a cat’s mouth; it definitely wasn’t there when I moved into said room; someone on 5w is now one dildo short because my temporary cat is cuddling with it. I live in horrified amusement at the idea that clearly PUF is capable of carrying this thing around in their mouth, and so there is a distinct possibility that PUF has been hanging out in the lounge mrew-ing at people while carrying their emotional support dildo, but I haven’t really gotten the courage to ask the other summer residents what shenanigans PUF has been up to when I wasn’t watching.

5w, I am so sorry. If you or a loved one have been affected by PUF’s kleptomania, you may be entitled to financial compensation in the form of “me buying a replacement.”

For everyone else: fear not, PUF is now safely back on Black Hole! However, they’re so aggressively cuddly every time I visit them that I almost feel a little bad that I left their stolen dildo on 5w.

  1. short for Public Universal Feline back to text