Circles, circles, circles by CJ Q. '23

Content warning: depression, suicidal ideation.

The other day my therapist asked me about when I get depressive episodes. And I said that I got them after I’d come home from class, or after a meeting, when I’d come back to my room after a long day of being outside with friends. It’s not that anything in particular triggers it. I’ll be sitting in front of my computer doing work, and then I’d be struck with an inexplicable sadness, filling my body like helium. All the energy would leave me and I’d lie on my bed, staring into space, thinking about how worthless I felt, or how pointless this all was, and how maybe it’d be better if I didn’t wake up this morning.

I once told my psychiatrist that it’s awful how the episodes have the most convenient timings. Never before a call I have to be on or a class I have to go to. When a friend was sleeping over, it started in the afternoon and ended an hour before he came back. It doesn’t interfere with my schedule, or the work that needs to get done, but it does mean I never have a therapy session happening an hour after a breakdown.

Good that I have things scheduled, then. Good that I know how to fill my weeknights and weekends with things to do and meetings to go to. SIPB on Mondays, Squares on Tuesdays, ESP on Wednesdays, ET on Thursdays. A cappella concerts and worksessions and game nights. Because having something on the calendar keeps me happy, literally. Then what happens when the summer hits, when I graduate, when I move out of Boston? I’m scared that I’m going to leave this place and I won’t have things to do and then I’ll spend most of my time being depressed in my room.

The last time I had my weekly cadence torn apart was when the pandemic first hit. And that was a bad time for me. Looking at the posts I made at the time, at least i’m not as sad as i used to be or warmth, or next to normal, there’s a lot of sadness. Also, no kidding, I was listening to At Least I’m Not as Sad (As I Used to Be) while writing this post, and it’s a vibe. Yeah, things are better now that I have things in my schedule again, but I know that won’t last.

The other day Andrew L. ’22 visited MIT, and I told him about this, and he said that knowing me, I’ll find other things to do. New York is a big city, right? I’ll find something to go to, or set up something myself. I mean, that might be true, who knows? It’s different without the infrastructure of being in college though, when there’s a huge event in the beginning of the year with hundreds of student groups actively trying to recruit you. Either way, I’m leaving all these circles I’m in, and I’m going to have to find new ones.