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MIT staff blogger Bryan G. Nance

MIT vs. Chuck Norris by Bryan G. Nance

Ever wonder how many math and science Chuck Norris jokes exist in cyberspace?

Just this morning I was reading the New York Times on line and noticed an article about a commercial that Chuck Norris filmed for Presidential Candidate Mike Huckabee. This got me thinking, “I wonder how many math and science Chuck Norris jokes exist in cyberspace?” I armed myself with a mid morning Mountain Dew and a strict one hour limit and got down to business. Find below the best 23 Chuck Norris MIT appropriate jokes. I hate the number 23 so I threw in 2 of my favorites to get us to 25, a number I like much better. Feel free to add any Chuck Norris facts that I may have missed.

– When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score over 8000.

– Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

– When you’re Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

– Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

– If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.

– Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

– When J. Robert Oppenheimer said “I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds”, He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

– The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris’ age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

– That’s not Chuck Norris doing push-ups — that’s Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

– It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

– Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

– Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

– When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

– The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed… unless it meets Chuck Norris.

-There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris…. Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

– Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

– The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn’t even come close

– In the movie “The Matrix,” Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green “falling code” scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

– Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

– Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.

– Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

– Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

-Chuck Norris’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees… Celsius.

My Favorites:

– Chuck Norris does not know about this list. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

– Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

71 responses to “MIT vs. Chuck Norris”

  1. Anonymous says:

    lolz nice, first post!

  2. Thomas says:

    Chuck Norris can drown fish.

  3. Thomas says:

    Chuck Norris can count two times to infinity.

  4. karen says:

    well well well….look who’s back to the blogs raspberry

  5. Anonymous says:

    Stephen Hawking once tried to prove that there may exist a human being tougher than Chuck Norris. That was the last time he walked.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Chuck Norris is so brave that he’s voting for Mike Huckabee.

  7. PS says:

    “Stata Center’s walls were straight, until Chuck Norris walked on Vassar St.”

    (Taken from Chuck Norris Facts (too):

    <ol>
    <li>Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.</li>
    <li>Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.</li>
    <li>Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.</li>
    </ol>)

    And the final trick: go to Google, search for “how do i find chuck norris“, click on “I’m Feeling Lucky”; and see what happens…

  8. José P. says:

    Nance, you actually have 26 jokes. Chuck Norris is so awesome that the second joke mutated into two. :D

  9. Laser says:

    If you ever get the time, Maddox has a book out called the Alphabet of Manliness with one chapter called “N is for Norris, Chuck.” You pee your pants.

  10. Steven G says:

    When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

    Jesus walks on water – Chuck Norris swims in land.

    There’s no such thing as the theory of evolution, just a list of species Chuck Norris allows to live.

    Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

  11. Corey says:

    Ever read Chuck’s reaction to the Facts? At first he thought they were just absurd, then he actually got a little upset. So, instead of roundhouse kicking the people who made them, he did something much worse: created lolcats.

  12. Morgan says:

    Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris never cries.

  13. Eric Stoller says:

    This is just one more reason why I love reading this site and why it’s one of my favorite admissions blogs.

    The one about frying ants at night made me laugh…a lot.

  14. Harrison says:

    Chuck Norris knows when a program halts.

  15. Brian says:

    The population of china has not occurred through large families. China is so populated cause when Chuck Norris was in a karate competition in Beijing,he did a roundhouse kick and all women within 5000 miles were instantly impregnated.

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity……twice.

  16. Lizz says:

    chuck norris is the only person to whom the heisenberg principle applies. you can never predict where or from what direction one of his roundhouse kicks will land.

  17. Off the top of my head:

    Chuck Norris is such a masterful cracker he wrote a cross-platform virus that works not only on Windows, but DOS, MacOS, OS X, Solaris, Linux, and BSD … on every platform .. even though he wrote it in a mix of 4004 Assembly

    Chuck Norris can revert the same Wikipedia article FOUR times in 24 hours.(if you don’t get this one, wikipedia WP:3RR)

    Chuck Norris graduated from MIT .. Summa Cum Laude, Valedictorian! He subsequently received two honorary degrees: in Courses VI in 1881, 19 in 1987. He is set to receive another in course 26 soon.

    Chuck Norris is so scary that TFPH him!

  18. Brian says:

    Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with “obstruction of justice.” This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

    Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

    There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

    There are two types of people in the world… people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them all under pennames to hide the fact that they are autobiographical.

    Rules of fighting: 1) Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don’t bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

    Funny Stuff….

  19. Anonymous says:

    When ever you kill a domo-kun, God makes a Chuck Norris

  20. Anonymous says:

    Lol. If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may only have seconds to live.

  21. Anonymous says:

    There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

  22. anon says:

    Chuck Norris doesn’t need a tuner. Tuners match pitch to Chuck Norris.

  23. Rick says:

    Rules:
    1.- Chuck Norris is always right.
    2.-In case Chuck Norris isn’t right, apply rule #1

  24. Chris B.'12 says:

    I can’t believe you all forgot this one.
    Scientists estimate the power of the big bang is equal to 1 CNRK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick).

  25. Rick says:

    At the beginnig of time,Chuck Norris lived with Eve and ate the apple. GOd looked around and created Adan to blame him.

  26. Collin says:

    lol

    Chuck Norris’ win condition is the fact that he is Chuck Norris.

  27. L says:

    Chuck Norris doesn’t differentiate. He disintegrates.

  28. Karen says:

    Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

  29. lol at the Domo-kun reference.

    When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, lake, body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.

    Celestial bodies aren’t in orbit because of gravity, they’re just too terrified of Chuck Norris to step out of line.

  30. Anonymous says:

    LOL, love those. Especially the Google one.

    On the “Chuck Norris’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees… Celsius.”, I found it funnier replacing “Celsius” with “Kelvin” XD

  31. eswar says:

    # Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

    # Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

    # Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    #Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
    #Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

    If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    #
    # While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
    #
    # Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

    #
    # In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

    #
    # Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

  32. Anonymous says:

    Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.

  33. Chris T says:

    Chuck Norris came before the chicken and the egg.

  34. Nicole '10 says:

    http://reddit.com/r/programming/info/675jj/comments/

    Richard Stallman is the new Chuck Norris.
    Some of the ones that were on that site last week were funnier, you can probably find them if you scroll all the way down…

    also, for the first Chuck Norris joke, shouldn’t that be “over 9000”?
    ^_^

  35. Manderz says:

    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.

  36. Ben says:

    That google thing is indeed AWESOME. grin

  37. OMG!!!! The Google address is so funny, I spit fruit loops across the kitchen table this morning. Needless to say, my 4 year old was happy to join in on that game!

  38. asm says:

    In the beginning, there was nothing…and then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job!” That is the story of the universe.

    Also, I can’t believe no one’s posted this one yet:

    According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

    And the Google spoof was indeed amazing. I wonder how long it’ll last before it loses its #1 ranking…

  39. Libin Daniel says:

    When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

    The Google thing is just great!

  40. Shruthi says:

    The google one is superb!!! smile)

  41. Ankit says:

    “They once tried to carve Chuck Norris’ face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn’t hard enough for his beard.”

  42. Ankit says:

    Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

  43. Anonymous says:

    Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

  44. Roshini says:

    Chuck Norris can eat only one Lay’s Potato chip(s)!!
    ~~No one(except CN) can eat just one~~tun tun!!

  45. Roshini says:

    Wow the google thing from PS is awesome!!!

  46. E. Rosser says:

    Chuck Norris doesn’t get frostbite– He bites frost.
    The Google thing is HILARIOUS! I Chuck Norris doesn’t get frostbite– He bites frost.
    The Google thing is HILARIOUS! I <3 Google.

  47. Anthony Y says:

    Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.

  48. Pete says:

    Ahhhh! I love it!

  49. Matt Falk says:

    I was sitting in class and tried the google thing=amazing results from all my classmates in the library haha. We loved it!

    When Chuck Norris ate ice cream (I scream), you will…

    Q. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuch could Chuch Norris?
    A. Not nearly as much as Chuch Norris could…

    i is the imaginary number, but it is still afraid of Chuck Norris…

    Chuck Norris wanted to get a haircut, but nothing could cut through a single strand of his hair…

  50. Matt Falk says:

    When Chuck Norris eats ice cream…you will
    whoops wrong tense =)

  51. Vick says:

    Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in 1 move.

  52. nick says:

    correction: he can win a game of chess in i moves.

  53. Piper says:

    *headdesk*

    That is all.

  54. Babiker says:

    Chuck Norris killed Tupac and Biggie.

  55. Oasis says:

    The most ridiculous ones (but also the ones that cracked me up for quite awhile) that I’ve heard:

    # Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

    # Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life.”

  56. Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he pees.

    Chuck Norris can make an official translation of the Koran.

    Chuck Norris is the real explanation of dark matter. He’s omnipresent, undetectable, and accounts for 90% of the mass of the universe.

    Chuck Norris programmed an abacus to calculate busy beaver numbers.

    When God said, “Let there be light,” Chuck Norris said, “Say please.”

  57. Anonymous says:

    When you divide a black hole by zero, you get Chuck Norris

  58. Judy H. says:

    I heart Domo-kuns…

    anyways…LAWL

    http://clients.arranschlosberg.com/chuck/

    Google knows best

  59. Anonymous says:

    On the 0th day, Chuck Norris became god

  60. Kristin says:

    Chuck Norris doesn’t wear Superman underwear, Superman wears Chuck Norris underwear.

  61. Sorry, this is humongously long, but it is so brilliant that I can’t help myself:

    The Physics Test
    A reputedly true story which concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

    “Q:Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.”

    One student replied:
    “You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.”

    This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn’t make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

    “Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.

    “Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper’s shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.

    “But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrroot (l / g).

    “Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

    “If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.

    But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor’s door and say to him ‘If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper’.”

    The student was Nils Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

  62. Actually, i found out that this^^^ is just an urban legend. If fact, Bohr was not the only Danish Nobel winner.

  63. Anonymous says:

    NOT CHUCK NORRIS, BRUCE SCHNEIER!

    MUST YOU LOWER YOURSELVES SO?

  64. Aidan says:

    Whoa, someone else here knows Maddox. What a pleasant surprise smile Oh, and why hasn’t anyone mentioned the 23 reference? What’s so wrong about 23? Is it that 2+3=5? Is it that s is the secret number of “the Order?” Ewige Blumenkraft.

  65. Mike Mackin says:

    Chuck Norris knows the equation for prime numbers.

  66. Jdiesel says:

    The google thing is halarious.

    Chuck Norris can hear silence.

    Chuck Norris can believe its not butter.

    When ordinary men want a sea food dinner they go to red lobster, Chuck Norris goes to sea world.

    Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

    Chuck Norris is currently taking NBC to court over the unauthorized use of the show title law and order, the trademark names of his left and right feet, dew to this lawsuit most of the show wrighters at NBC were on strike, not because they wanted more money but because they were in fear for their lives.
    Chuck Norris regularly challanges the sun to a staring contest, this explains the phenomina known as solar eclipses.
    Chuck Norris won the 1994 World series poker tour with a five of clubs, a green uno card, a picachu and a burger king recept. His poker face is that good.