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MIT student blogger Jess K. '10

Where is the banana… by Jess K. '10

...and why is that man chartreuse?

Someone commented on the post regarding blogger applications asking that the selected blogger post their answer to the essay question. Seeing as I have no other use for this absolutely ridiculous piece of literature (at least, until the motion picture starring Johnny Depp as the aardvark comes out), it’s free reading material. Run wild, folks.

(INVESTIGATOR PIERCE, a portly, middle-aged man with a unibrow for absolutely no reason, is sitting at a desk, rifling through some papers. His partner, DETECTIVE POLK, is speaking indeterminately into a taupe-colored telephone. In front of him is a two-way mirror through which a nervous-looking aardvark can be seen glancing around. The same image is shown on a 10’ black-and-white television screen bolted to the wall.)

POLK: (covers the mouthpiece; jerks chin in direction of the aardvark) Case 815.

PIERCE: Case 815… (examining file) the murder of a Mr. Burton Conner.

(Pierce examines the file, smirks unconsciously at certain parts, then breezes through the heavy door. The aardvark looks up with a start.)

PIERCE: (addressing the file) Arthur.

ARTHUR: Yes, sir.

PIERCE: (can barely contain himself) A talking aardvark…named Arthur.

ARTHUR: (defeated; many a substitute teacher has made the jokes that will inevitably follow) Yes, sir.

PIERCE: Your parents must”ve had a heckuva sense of humor. Arthur. (shakes his head and turns to the camera in the corner comically) Did I just walk into a kid”s cartoon?

ARTHUR: (bristling) If I were in a cartoon, I”d probably be named Aarthur. I”d probably be a big friendly talking aardvark, with nothing – not even pants – but glasses and an innate moral compass to discern between Right and Wrong. (juts chin out defiantly) And I”d have a big vocabulary, and use words like “discern” in everyday conversation.

PIERCE: (flips through file again) Actually, Arthur does wear pants.

ARTHUR: (putting his hands – paws? – on the table) Look, I swear I”m telling you the truth. My name really is Arthur – and no, I wasn”t named after the cartoon. HE was named after ME. And I have a pet boy. My mom, whose first language was obviously not English, named him Government because she thought it sounded “refined”… or as refined as a name for a pet human can sound. I call him The Man for short.

PIERCE: Right, I was just with him. Didn”t say a word. You”d”a thought he…(raises unibrow) killed somebody.

ARTHUR: Nothing happened. I promise.

PIERCE: So you and… ”The Man” were the last passengers to be seen in Mr. Conner”s taxi cab, am I correct?

ARTHUR: I guess. I mean, we really didn”t talk to him or anything.

PIERCE: Eyewitnesses have you leaving your burrow – where you presumably live with your ESL mother, and your pet boy – at 4:42 PM EST, catching a taxi on Mass Ave shortly after, traveling southwest at a trajectory of 42.6 degrees. Is that correct?

ARTHUR: Yes, sir.

PIERCE: Is there a reason why you were traveling to the Charles… but not directly through MIT?

ARTHUR: (mumbling) I hate that freakin” place.

PIERCE: (continues) And would you care to explain why you were out particularly early? I understand the aardvark is a nocturnal creature, without any particular affinity for water.

ARTHUR: The Man didn”t want anyone to see. I realize it looks suspicious now, but…

PIERCE: (getting tired) He doesn”t talk. All that man did was turn chartreuse.

ARTHUR: He”s not proud of it, okay? (sighs) We forced Burton to turn off of Mass Ave, onto a road less traveled, to the Charles using a banana.

PIERCE: (alert) Yes, the weapon.

ARTHUR: No, we DIDN”T kill him! WHO KILLS PEOPLE WITH A BANANA?

PIERCE: You never know.

ARTHUR: We just… pointed it at his neck and told him to travel covertly. So we went around MIT, ended up at the river, and threw the file – and the banana – in the Charles.

PIERCE: What file?

ARTHUR: …A few weeks ago, The Man got the idea to apply to be a MIT blogger. I told him it was crazy since he, y”know, doesn”t talk, but…The Man gets really secretive sometimes. And he somehow got his hands on this one girl”s application, and got really jealous, ”cause I guess it was just so good, and… we had to destroy it.

PIERCE: (shocked and horrified) You did what?

ARTHUR: No one was hurt, I promise.

(POLK rushes in, wide-eyed and frenzied)

POLK: We”ve made a huge mistake. Burton Conner wasn”t murdered by an aardvark and his pet man; he was crushed by a falling piano.

ARTHUR: (enormously relieved) That”s FANTASTIC!

(Polk and Pierce both stare at him.)

PIERCE: …Wait, wait, wait. Is there anything left of that file?

ARTHUR: Er. Just this. (slowly extracts a crinkled sheet of paper from his completely made-up aardvark pouch, much like that of a kangaroo)

PIERCE: (reading aloud) Top Ten Reasons Why JKim Should Be a Blogger:
1. She likes all the music she listens to, so she must have really good taste in music
2. She is a Pokemon master
3. She has a favorite sandwich
4. She drinks more than 8 glasses of water a day
5. She wears two different-colored shoes
6. She once wrote a 5-page paper on The Economics of Richard Cheese
7. She always wears her retainer
8. Her skin is remarkably acne-free, to the point that scientists have disputed her existence
9. She invented the internet
10. She regularly exercises her ability to laugh both at herself, and at aardvarks that wear pants

PIERCE: Well, this girl sounds fantastic.

ARTHUR: I know, right? And I guess The Man was really jealous. But he feels really badly about what he”s done.

PIERCE: (shuts file) Well, as long as you help her retype her application.

ARTHUR: We will, sir.

PIERCE: Excellent.

19 responses to “Where is the banana…”

  1. Colin says:

    Dear Inferiority Complex,

    Oh, hello again. It’s been a while. I’d really appreciate it if you left me the hell alone, though. Thanks.

    Hate,

    Colin

    Dear JKim,

    I love you.

    Love,

    Colin

  2. thekeri says:

    Suddenly, I feel like I should be bowing down to you and pulling a Wayne’s World.

    You are too awesome to be my friend.

    I’m going off to cry in a corner now.

  3. nehalita says:

    …i don’t wear my retainer every day. that’s probably why wasn’t it.

    that was funny.

    so what’s your favorite sandwhich?

  4. Joe says:

    Italian BMT w/ Pepper Jack, lettuce tomatoe, onion, and SW Chipotle sauce. Thursday Subway is made of win. And cheese.

    Homemade? Lots of meat (Pastrami, salami, pepperoni, and ham-i) with lettuce, tomatoe, ketchup, and Cajun seasoning on potato bread. So if you ever see a sandwich with ketchup/BBQ sauce on it when you’re raiding the fridge, it’s probably mine, so NO TOUCHY! =D

  5. David says:

    That was amazing :D

    p.s.

    you ARE a pokemon master? Like, whoa!

  6. JKim says:

    Colz and Keri, you are my two faves evar so don’t even. Besides the rest of the princesses.

    My favorite sandwich – well, I actually lied on this (don’t tell Ben!) because I have several. My favorite hot sandwich is Quizno’s veggie sub; cold it’s a tie between the sandwiches from these two delis in my area, Brass Bear and Dominico’s. I’m going to miss them dearly next year :( Sandwiches are pretty much my favorite thing in the world. Also, we have In-N-Out here, a BIG downside for the East Coast, cause they make a mad grilled cheese. (Just because I’m a vegetarian does NOT mean I miss out on amazing food!)

    I also like Subway’s veggie delite. And I do enjoy a good PB&J every once in a while.

    And David, I beat Blue with all 151 Pokemon in something like 7th grade? (Yes, even Mew!)

  7. Fru says:

    I get the pants joke now.

    Darn good.

    Your writing skills, I mean, not the pants joke.

    But yeah, JKim is a vegetarian and her favorite sandwich is… QUIZNO’S Veggie Sub Sandwich, so I suggest we all buy her many!

  8. Aziz '10 says:

    Wow…in the beginning I didn’t understand the entry at all, but just thought the writing was good..then when I read the question… ;DDDDDD WOW! Hehe JKim you totally rock my socks ;p Great answer!

  9. Anonymous says:

    Hahaha, you really are the awesomest.

    From a fellow Pokemon master.

  10. cemilyd says:

    That’s beautiful. Pure and utter crack, what with the aardvark and the made up pouch and all, but the prompt was asking for it so, so much. And I believe you’re leaning towards the “so” in the “100 or so” words, but this would be the worse without it, so kudos. And now I’m done saying “so” for the sixth time in three sentences.

  11. Kelly says:

    Hey! Quizno’s veggie sub is my favorite sandwich. (Except without the mushrooms.)

    smile

    Congratulations on inventing the internet.

  12. Aziz '10 says:

    LooooL you go to In’N’Out and eat GRILLED CHEESE….AHHHH how do you survivee!!! I really don’t get it! In’N’Out’s “Double Double” is heaven on a plate…or in my case in a drive through window ;p Hey, respect for being a vegetarian in SoCal though, I don’t know how you do it with all those great restaurants wink

    Peace ;p

  13. Anonymous says:

    HEY i like your blog. you sound wicked cool. hope we cross paths this fall.

  14. christie says:

    HAHA ok when I read the above comment by anonymous, I TOTALLY read “pants” instead of “paths” hahah oh my please do

  15. Aziz '10 says:

    Dude, if you wanna cross paths, or pants in Christie’s case, you should totally sign ur name instead of anonymous wink Just being nosy don’t bother listening to me (A)

  16. Aziz '10 says:

    Dude, if you wanna cross paths, or pants in Christie’s case, you should totally sign ur name instead of anonymous wink Just being nosy don’t bother listening to me (A)

  17. nehalita says:

    juicy juice. 100% juice for 100% kids

  18. Christina says:

    HAHAHAHA. Oh man. This is wonderful.

  19. SUchi says:

    u’re awesome!!! luv ur story. I can’t believe someone could be so creative. if it was me, I would have just wrote some boring essay!