“I’ve Got 99 Problems… Admissions Is Not One” by Bryan G. Nance
Really 52, but who's counting? I know that you love numbers, stats and checklists, so here's a checklist for the ages.
Okay, so it’s really 52, but who’s counting?
So far I’ve been fairly serious with my entries about the college admissions process. I think that it’s time for me to lighten the mood around here. So to all of you uber-serious folk… back away slowly and no one will get hurt.
As most of you know, I’ve been on an AWARD TOUR WITH MOHAMMED MY MAN. And everywhere I go, you want to know the skinny on how to get into MIT. The more I try to tell everyone that just showing your passion and being yourself is enough, the more I get the “yeah, r-i-g-h-t” look. So let’s try another tactic. I know that you love numbers, stats and checklists, so here’s a checklist for the ages.
52 THINGS NOT TO DO IF YOU WANT TO BE ADMITTED TO MIT:
- Don’t refer to yourself in the 3rd person. It doesn’t work for pro athletes and it won’t work for you.
- Don’t use the flashback essay. You know, the one that envisions you receiving the Nobel Prize in Biology and attributing all of your success to your admission to MIT. Yeah, that’s about as original as the obligatory standing ovation at the end of an Ashante concert. (This is NOT an endorsement of Ashante or her inability to maintain pitch control, not lip-sync at live performances, or to write lyrics that use Boo as a pronoun.)
- Do not use words that do not exist… irregardless of how much you orientate the direction of your essay.
- Avoid slang. Use “street cred” on your own time. If you want to “keep it real” get an “A” in Calculus. That’s hot!
- Never refer to your parents as Mommy and Daddy, your dog as your best friend, or your girlfriend as your “Ride or Die.”
- In that same vein, if your mother really is your hero – you’d make your bed, refrain from calling your younger brother a mistake, and stop taking the cable box apart for poops and giggles.
- Do not quote Holden Caufield in your essay. (It’s a good way to share A ROOM WITH MARK DAVID CHAPMAN.)
- Additionally, don’t use quotes from Fountainhead or Jugghead.
- The “Every Important Lesson I Learned in Life, I Learned From Wolverine” essay has been tried. (Feel free the ask the author how he’s enjoying his PG year.)
- There is no reason to use the word “nipple” anywhere on your application.
- Unless you work for Bad Boy Records, The death of Biggie and Tupac do not count as defining moments in your life.
- Under the section labeled Extracurricular Activities, do not list the following: Being a great boyfriend/girlfriend; 20 hours per week.
- Never quote the MasterCard commercial that ends with the word PRICELESS.
- Know what the hell you are talking about! Free radicals are atoms or groups of atoms with an odd (unpaired) number of electrons and can be formed when oxygen interacts with certain molecules. Their chief danger comes from the damage they can do when they react with important cellular components such as DNA, or the cell membrane. Cells may function poorly or die if this occurs. The New Radicals are a one hit wonder 80’s pop band. (You only get what you give!)
- Refrain from cutting and pasting whole sections of our web site to use in your essay. (If you do cut and paste, please use quotation marks and change the font to match that of your document.)
- NEVER CUT AND PASTE BETWEEN COLLEGE ESSAYS. If we receive an essay that states, “…and that’s why Harvard is my dream school” WE’LL TRY REAL HARD TO MAKE YOUR DREAM COME TRUE.
- Think carefully before quoting music lyrics. If you must do it, Gwen Stefani’s chorus is “I ain’t no holla’ back girl” NOT “I ain’t no Harlem Black Girl.”
- The same goes with movies. Yes, Cool Hand Luke is steeped in allegory and I do believe that it is a modern parallel of Christ. No, I do not accept that Mean Girls is anything but a tween movie.
- Don’t submit anything written or drawn with a Crayola or Sharpie.
- Don’t use statistics as proof of your excellence if there were less that 10 others that you competed against. We TOO know the power of small numbers.
- No matter how tight your argument is, Halo groups are not extracurricular clubs and your mastery of said game is not a skill.
- Don’t attend MIT Central Meetings and pick fights with the Admissions staff. You want us to remember you in good ways.
- Don’t rely solely on your 2400 SAT/36 ACT scores to get you into MIT.
- Don’t count yourself out if you have considerable lower scores than those listed above. (Ed. note: …or if you spell like Bryan does.)
- DO NOT EVER BELIEVE THAT IF YOU ARE A STUDENT OF COLOR THAT YOU WILL BE ADMITTED SOLELY BECAUSE OF AFFIRMATIVE ACTION.
- If you are not a student of color don’t fall into the trap of thinking you won’t be admitted because of Affirmative Action. If you are admitted, it will be because of merit. If not, it wasn’t because someone else took your spot.
- Don’t spend your entire essay telling us about what you want to be after you leave MIT. Instead tell us what you want to do at MIT.
- Do not let the costs of MIT deter you from applying to MIT. We have this thing called Financial Aid. If you don’t apply, you can’t afford it.
- Don’t take college advice from your crazy know-it-all uncle whose only experience with MIT was the time his car broke down on Mass Ave back in 1974.
- IF YOU ARE NOT PASSIONATE ABOUT LEARNING AND MIT, IT WILL SHOW IN YOUR APPLICATION.
- Don’t let more than three people critique your essay. If you do, you’ll get conflicting messages and your voice will be lost forever.
- Life is not like a box of chocolates.
- If you know who the Wiggles are – for whatever reason – keep it to yourself.
- Anything with the words “Graphic Novel” on the cover IS a comic book. Don’t quote it.
- Don’t apply to MIT solely because your best friend suggests it.
- Do you really think we’ll be impressed by the poster that has your head superimposed on the body of Arnold and is titled: “I have the will, show me the way”? Use Photoshop responsibly.
- Don’t call us repeatedly hoping that we’ll give you a decision early. You’ll know when you know.
- Do not have your parents call on your behalf. Enough said.
- NEVER question MATT McGANN. He is of the MIT Omnibus.
- Do not write to admissions officers using email addresses that contain lewd expressions. (Ed. note: I removed Bryan’s example. It was that bad.)
- There is no way to convince me that the Designated Hitter rule is good for Baseball. Don’t even try.
- In terms of your intended major, don’t confuse “undecided” with “I don’t know what I want”. In other words, undecided means that you are struggling to decide between disciplines; not “I don’t know”.
- Don’t blow off your interview or wait until the last minute to make an appointment.
- Don’t use profanity in your essay, even if you’re quoting someone.
- Don’t spend your time looking for the Admissions back door. No matter what you read on College Confidential, it doesn’t exist. There is only one entrance to the Infinite Corridor, and that’s through the admissions committee.
- Don’t use canned essays… if you do, we’ll use canned rejection letters.
- Don’t send a bejillion letters of recommendation. We know that most of you have only lived for 17 or 18 years. We don’t expect you to have a ton of experiences. I’d say more than 5-6 letters is really pushing it. Remember, we’ll read everything that you send us. Don’t abuse this. If I read a letter from your milkman saying that you like strawberry yogurt, I’m gonna be pissed.
- NEVER EMBELLISH. I know that you are smart enough not to lie. Do not let your desire to attend MIT overshadow your integrity. This is an area that we see as absolute and black and white.
- Do not miss deadlines! Not for the CSS Profile or any part of the application.
- In that vein, don’t wait until October 31st (early) or December 31st (regular) to apply, especially if you plan to apply online. If the server is down for some reason, you’re screwed.
- Don’t slack off academically or do something stupid that could put your admission in jeopardy. MIT giveth and MIT taketh away.
- Admission to MIT is like wearing spandex in public – it’s a privilege not a right.