I was walking down Mass Ave yesterday under an umbrella with a friend, the streets after a day of rain reflecting colors in the sky, and I said
“If I could start my life over, I would.”
and he said, “What would you do differently?”
I guess I must have been thinking about that a while when we were walking and later eating at a quiet thai restaurant and even after when we were just getting some ice cream, because when walking home, feeling happy and full with a sunset hot at our backs, I felt like it wasn’t about that. I said, if I just came into this world today, or I was blind and now suddenly I can see, and everything was new and strange and wonderful and I was never told what beauty was or should be, what would I think was the most striking thing? Would it be the motion of things? Cars and people and hands and raindrops. Would it be learning to trust shapes and colors to be the real thing? Like a faraway window in a high rise or a friend or a tree. Would it be the things I can’t see? Things sitting on top of things, things inside of things, heat and voice and music and beats? Would it be the sky in its blueness and greyness and blackness and vastness?
I thought it might be the sky. If someone gave me the opportunity to find out, would I? I’m thinking if I could I would.
Being at such a crossroads in my life, approaching my last year as a wandering undergrad, I’m spending way more time than ever before just stressing out. Trying with all the delay tactics in the world to ease the pressure of having to choose a direction for “my life”. Looking around me at all these people: how can they be so sure and how do you make it feel like you matter. Well, that’s my problem. Yet you might get something out of this lecture I stumbled onto, also. This is a lecture about achieving childhood dreams. I don’t know you may have heard it in the news the guy who gave this speech died 3 days ago.
I never had many specific childhood dreams, at least none that were well documented, and only a couple of baby pictures altogether. So achieving them has never really been a concern of mine. But I assume living life is something everyone can relate to, and listening to one man look back on the life he has lived I think has a natural fascination for all of us.