friendful by Mel N. '24, MEng '25

one of my labmates has a friend from elementary school who was on the latest season of love on the spectrum. another labmate watched it and told me it was really sweet how that person described their experience in elementary school as “filled with friends.”

i think that’s how my life can be described right now. filled with friends. friendful, if you will.

after five years at mit, i can say i feel more settled into myself than ever before. i’ve come to peace with a lot of the things that kept me up late at night in my early years here. i treat myself like i would an old friend. i take my shortcomings in stride and i don’t shy away from acknowledging my good qualities. i know myself and my limits, my patterns and my dreams. i generally know what i want and i take care of myself a lot better.

i’ve mellowed out, in a sense — the furious emotional ups and downs of my late teen whirlwind years are far behind me, but it doesn’t mean i disparage my younger self for behaving that way. they just had a lot of growing to do, and that’s something that can only come with time. now, i have more things in my emotional toolbox to pull from when i’m faced with challenges. of course i still have bad days and low points, but i’m genuinely amazed by how well i’m able to bounce back and keep facing forward rather than get stuck in a self-destructive loop.

i think younger mel would be pretty proud of how far i’ve come.

i’ve been thinking a lot about community in the past few months. mostly, how i wouldn’t be where i am now without the incredible people i’ve met along the way. and i know that can sound trite, but i genuinely mean it.

i think that i have a tendency to self-isolate when i’m not doing well, and that means texts and emails go unanswered for long periods. maybe it’s a bit of a pride thing — i can’t let others know that i’m struggling — but lately i’ve been leaning into asking for help when i need it. thinking about the steadfast support and love and sense of community i’ve received in all aspects makes me weepy, whether it’s:

• my grad student mentor getting me cake pops (all three flavors, because she didn’t know which one i’d like) and taking me out to boba after a rough night
• a labmate making me a seven hour long playlist
• people being willing to help me do timed transfers in my experiments so that i can run to meetings or appointments or grab lunch
• bonding over 80s new wave music with a labmate who then gifted me a depeche mode hat from a concert he went to in the 2000s
• talking about birding with my pi (apparently i missed the migratory peak but now i know that mt. auburn cemetery is a hotspot for birders!)
• joanna always being willing to grab lunch in kendall square or come to the whitehead institute (where i work) and hang out with me as i wrangle my worms or make spontaneous plans to get dinner and drinks and go out and talk about absolutely everything and anything
• shu going out of their way to visit me this weekend from new york (!!) and always being my number one fan on twitter and beli
• random chats with my roommates rui and tiffany who i will miss so so dearly when they are off in california (and my cat will miss them a lot too)
• having breakfast at brookline lunch with antara and supporting each other through the wild ups and downs this semester and attending her undergraduate thesis presentation
• hanging out with kat and andoni and luna at pika just like the good old days on florey
• every single conversation i’ve had with august and alex, ever
• getting advice from cami on certain matters of the heart
• going to the poetry store in harvard square with alan and getting gelato from amorino and sitting by the river under the cherry blossoms
• eating summer rolls with kelly in porter square and waffles from zinneken’s and going to vintage stores
• going to craft circles with lauren and leah and bonding over our love for fiber arts
• all of the incredible scientific mentors i’ve had who inspire me immensely
• joining wmbr in my last stretch at mit and being welcomed with opened arms
• the council of yuri…
• and so so so so much more.

i don’t know, man. this is probably going to be my last post as an official blogger — i’ll be finishing my meng in the summer (and i do have a couple more posts planned for that), but blogging will no longer be My Job™ once the clock strikes june 1st. the blogs were my very first community at mit, and i’ve watched them grow and change in so many ways in the past few years. i’m the last member of my blogging cohort left, which is completely insane.

i think i used to post a lot of sad things. i think i was figuring myself out. and i still haven’t figured myself out yet completely, but i have a much better understanding of how my brain works, and how i move through the world, and how other people fit into that picture.

what makes a blog a mel blog is a wistful little statement of hope at the very end. looking back at the endings of my old posts, it’s interesting how you can see me become more sure of myself over time.

• “drink it slowly and let the warmth remind you that you are loved, and that no matter what the universe tries to throw at you, you will find a way to handle it” (hot chocolate as a panacea)
• “You are so loved. Just hang in there.” (dear past me)
• “For now, I think I just have to hang on tight and keep surviving.” (bday burnout)
• “i tend to end my posts with a vague statement of hope, and this one is no different. i’d like to think that i’m an optimistic person. i hope for the best.” (all time ever does is pass)
• “I’ve completed one more cycle. I think I’m ready to start the next one.” (butterfly season)
• “My life is changing every day. Some days it feels like an unpredictable wildfire. Other days, when the flames have subsided and the rain starts to fall, I look down and see hints of green beneath my feet.” (from me to you)
• “But I’m trying, and there are people who think I’m doing enough, and I think that’s enough.” (me, existing)
• “you want to be okay.” (romanticize a quiet life)
• “And now I’m going to tell you that I love you, and that people love you, and that you are worthy and deserving of love that doesn’t make you feel like you’re sinking, and by telling you all of this I’m also trying to tell myself this, and maybe if I say it enough I’ll believe it.” (love languages)
• “I’m glad that I’m here.” (2024 ring premiere)
• “Because it’ll be okay. I’m really hoping it will be okay.” (tryharding)
• “I think I am trying to be more comfortable in my loneliness every time it decides to visit me again.” (ode to grocery stores)
• “we move forward, not backwards. and it will be okay.” (my problem list)
• “i’m doing things that i’m genuinely interested in. and that’s more important than anything.” (taking care)
• “i’m less lost than i was, which i’m proud of, and i hope that in the future i will become less lost than i am now, and i think that i will be okay.” (baby steps)
• “i have people who love me and want to support me and it’s okay to take things at my own pace. and it’ll be okay. probably. hopefully. maybe. i guess i just have to keep chugging along.” (contradictions)
• “you’re doing a really good job. these things take time.” (november again)
• “You miss the way things were. But you’ve come so far.” (learning how to drive)
• “i’ll handle the roadbumps as they come. i know i will.” (shifting seasons)
• “i think i can make it.” (real things)

so, here it is. a message to me and to you.

you are loved. you can and will find a way to handle anything that comes up. there are so many people who are cheering for you.

you will be okay. i’m sure of it.